Sexy QUICKIES for this week's Update...
Lots to report on the readers of Jokes in this week's Sick Bay. The Sniper went to Hawaii for a 3 week vacation, only to end up in the hospital with his seventh (?) kidney stone. They had to go and retrieve it, which they did, and he is now on his way to getting back to a fun vacation. Lucky for him, his daughter is chief of staff at the hospital he went to and they rolled out the red carpet for him. Platinum Tarks finished 11 of 12 immunotherapies for his lymphoma and only has one more treatment and he is done! Sure has gone through a ton of shit, but always keeps his sunny attitude, maybe that is how he can keep going through it all. GMan and Barb are in a brutal battle with her leukemia. It is a very tough opponent, but they are still swinging and we all wish them the best. Mick The Irishman's wife, Patti, her sister, is such a help to them, and she is out there every month to lend support. No surprise, Patti is one of a kind.
The Chairman and Beautiful Bonnie will be heading off to Cancun in mid February to celebrate with DicDoc and family on the occasion of their daughter's wedding. Living next door to each other for so many years, we saw their kids grow up, and we are happy to join the family in the celebration. And some warm weather won't hurt either.
And what else is going on? Let's check out the News of The Week to find out..
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Before we get to the hard News of The Week, some Hollywood News. Melania Trump released her first movie this week. Amazon paid $40 million, the highest price ever paid for a documentary, 10 times higher than other high profile documentaries have sold for, and $26 million more than the second highest bidder, Disney. Is it an attempt to curry favor with Donald Trump...what do you think?...
The reviews of the film have been less than stellar...
The furor over the murder of Minnesota ICU nurse, Alex Pretti, by ICE agents continues. The Trump administration continues to spin the shooting as the work of a "domestic terrorist" and self defense, despite video evidence that we can all see that shows this is a lie...
After the administrations position was untenable, they shifted the dialog to blame Pretti for carrying a weapon to the protest. This got them in trouble with their 2nd Amendment crowd and their support of the January 6 protestors and the Michigan legislature protesters, all of whom brought automatic weapons to their demonstration...
And the argument certainly flies in the face of the NRA and the MAGA crowds support of Kyle Rittenhouse, who not only brought an AR-15 automatic weapon, which he not only brandished but used to kill a person...and was acquitted on all charges...
The rights given to American citizens are slowly, maybe not so slowly, being erased by the Trump Administration...
And while the country fumes and protests are growing in the streets, what is Trump concerned with?...
Trump's claim that the United States is now repected throughout the world is far from true, as you can see from their pictures...
Trump has left others to be the "fall guys" from the Minnesota ICE debacle. Greg Bovino was demoted and Kristi Noem has adopted the Sergeant Schultz, "I Was Only Following Orders", defense...
Outside of Minnesota, the Trump agenda is not faring well when it comes to health or integrity...
In Weather News, the frigid cold front remains stalled over the Midwest for another week...
And finally, in Entertainment News, Bruce Springsteen released a new song about the shooting in Minneapolis. It prompted the expected result from the thin-skinned President and a Springsteen reply...
So with all the News covered, on to TODAY'S JOKES, with the coveted lead off spot going to a good poker player and a great guy, who rarely sends me jokes, but has one for this Update. Talking about...
Two priests decided they needed a break from parish life — a real vacation — so they booked a trip to sunny Hawaii. But they made one firm rule: no collars, no black suits, no “Father this” or “Father that.” Just pure relaxation.
As soon as they arrived, they hit a beachside shop and bought the loudest, most ridiculous tourist outfits imaginable — floral shirts that could blind you, neon shorts, sandals, and oversized sunglasses.
They were determined to blend right in.
The next morning, they hit the beach — tropical drinks in hand, toes in the sand, feeling like brand-new men.
Everything was perfect… until a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini strolled past, smiled sweetly, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” She nodded politely to each of them and kept walking.
The priests froze. How could she possibly know?!
Determined to go completely incognito, they marched straight back to the store that afternoon and doubled down — new outfits, even louder and more outrageous than before. We’re talking bright hats, floral leis, beach bags, and shirts so loud they could startle seagulls.
The next day, back on the beach, they were confident. No one — no one — would recognize them now.
Then, like a scene from déjà vu, the same stunning blonde appeared again, this time in an even smaller bikini. She walked right up, grinned, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.”
One of the priests, utterly baffled, finally asked, “Miss, we are indeed priests — but please, tell us, how on earth did you know who we are?”
She laughed and said, “Oh, Father… it’s me — Sister Angela!”
A new cook arrived at the lumber jack camp and for a few days he cooked some awesome meals and the lumberjack were very happy.
After a week, here was running out of ideas of what to make and decided to go for a walk. Near a clearing he saw a goat. He caught it, butchered it and served it for dinner.
At dinner all the lumberjacks were giving him a dirty look. So he asked them, "what's the matter? Did I fuck up the cooking?"
From the back of the room somebody yelled
"No you asshole, you cooked up the fucking!"
So that is how the government works!...
He asks his dad to explain the government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:
I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.
Later that night, Little Johnny is lying awake pondering what his dad had told him and got up to get himself a drink of water.
On his way to the kitchen, he saw his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend.
He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he watched his dad sneak down to the maid’s room.
The next morning, he tells his dad, “Dad, I think I have it all figured out.”
“So Little Johnny, how do you think it all works?”
Little Johnny says, "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is fucking the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen right before their eyes."
This is from Big Al, and I might have to have a talk with him about it...
A group of wives from the same neighborhood decided to have a picnic and rented a bus to take them to the site.
They all waved goodbye to their husbands as the bus hit the road.
Tragically a few hours later the bus was in a terrible accident. There were no survivors.
For weeks, the devastated husbands cried and mourned for their late wives.
But as time passed most of the husbands gradually got back to the new normal except for one man.
He continued crying and was absolutely miserable. His neighbors grew worried about his situation.
Finally, one of the husbands approached him and said “hey we are all heartbroken, but you’ve been crying nonstop for weeks.
Why are you so much more upset than the rest of us”.
The man looked up with tears streaming down his face and said, “ Because my wife missed the bus.”
Medical humor that will make you groan...
The answer to an important animal mystery...
Because they don’t have enough sex.
-Why don’t pandas have enough sex?
Because the male pandas isn’t good at it. He’s fine at foreplay, but awful at aftercare.
-What do you mean?
He eats, shoots, and leaves.
The Mexican woodpecker claiming a tree in Mexico is impossible to peck.
The Canadian woodpecker flies to Mexico and easily pecks the Mexican tree.
The Canadian then challenges the Mexican woodpecker to peck an "un-peckable" tree in Canada.
The Mexican woodpecker flies to Canada and succeeds in pecking the Canadian tree.
Both are confused as to why they could peck the other country's trees but not their own.
They conclude: "Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home".
One for Billy Bong from his fellow Vegas Boy, The Sultan of Silicone...
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Gene? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition or the other one?"
"The champion sir."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT DAMN FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother in law's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your new golf clubs."
THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE........
He must have ridden the small bus to school...
Another golf joke...
"Well," says his wife, "why don't you take my brother Harold next time?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf," says Jack.
"But Harold has perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, and he'd enjoy riding in the cart."
So the next day Jack tees off with Harold looking on. Jack swings, and the ball disappears down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asks Jack.
"Yup," says Harold.
"Well, where is it?" asks Jack.
And Harold says, "I forgot."
An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation.
"That's a group of blind firefighters," they are told. "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free."
The priest says, "I will say a prayer for them tonight."
The doctor says, "Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them."
And the engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"
If furniture could talk...
Oldie but goodie...
Two elderly couples had dinner together. The women were cleaning up in the kitchen while the two men were enjoying an after dinner whiskey.
“We went to a lovely restaurant last week. Meals were delicious. We really should all go together sometime.”
“Really? What was the name of it?”
The man rubs his chin, scratches his head and asks, “What is that flower? You know…red, has thorns…you give a bunch of them on Valentine’s Day…?”
“A rose?”
“That’s it! Hey Rose! What’s the name of that restaurant we went to last week?”
And finally, be careful when someone checks your browser history...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
The eldest of four children, Gerald Isaac Stiller, was born on June 8, 1927, at Unity Hospital in New York City, to Bella and William Stiller, a taxi and bus driver. His family is Jewish. His paternal grandparents emigrated from Galicia (southeast Poland and western Ukraine), and his mother was born in Frampol, in modern-day eastern Poland.
Upon his return from service in the Army after World War 2, Stiller attended Syracuse University, getting a BA in Speech and Drama in 1950. He then went on to more training in drama.
In 1953, Stiller met actress-comedian Anne Meara, and they married in 1954. Until Stiller suggested it, Meara had never thought of doing comedy. "Jerry started us being a comedy team," she said. "He always thought I would be a great comedy partner." They joined the St. Louis improv company, The Compass Players in 1959, directed by David Shepherd. After leaving, they began performing together. In 1961, they were performing in nightclubs in New York City and by the following year, were considered a "national phenomenon", said the New York Times.
The duo performed throughout the 1960's and 70's, in nightclubs, variety shows and in Las Vegas.
Late in his career, Stiller earned the part of the short-tempered Frank Costanza, father of George Costanza, on the sitcom, Seinfeld. He played the role from 1993 until 1998. Stiller's character as initially envisioned was a "meek" and "Thurberesque" character that required him to wear a bald cap. After a couple of days of rehearsal, Stiller realized the character was not working and asked Seinfeld co-creator Larry David if he could perform the character in a different way, which was more in line with his final characterization on the show. For his portrayal of Frank, Stiller gained widespread critical and popular acclaim, including being nominated for an Emmy for Best Supporting Role in a Comedy.
After Seinfeld ended, Stiller had planned on retiring. However, Kevin James asked him to join the cast of The King of Queens. James, had told Stiller that he needed him to have a successful show. Stiller agreed and played the role of Arthur Spooner, from 1998 until 2007. Stiller said that this role tested his acting ability more than any other had, and that before being a part of The King of Queens, he only saw himself as a "decent actor"
Stiller was married to Anne Meara for over 60 years, from 1954 until her death on May 23, 2015. The two met in an agent's office. Meara was upset about an interaction with the casting agent, so Stiller took her out for coffee — all he could afford — and they remained together thereafter. Meara was Irish Catholic and converted to Judaism before the couple's children were born. They had two children: actress Amy Stiller (born 1961) and actor-comedian Ben Stiller (born 1965).
On May 11, 2020, Stiller died at his home on the Upper West Side of Manhattan at the age of 92.
Here are some videos of the comedy team of Stiller and Meara, as well as some of the best moments of Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza...
And today, a Jewish joke you should remember for Passover this year, from your host...
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked.
"Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah broken on the perforation!”