QUICKIES about sex are always funny...
Back with Jokes From Shaf after some traveling over the past 2 weeks. First, a great time at Vegas 32. Ali Wong show was hilarious, the food was excellent, left the Strip to do some go-karting with vehicles that went 40 mph and had a fun cooking class. Played a lot less blackjack and spent more time on the video poker machines, where I broke even. Hopefully all of us will be there again next fall for another fun Vegas Trip.
Then last weekend, went to NYC to celebrate MBArry's 40th birthday. Some good, but really pricey, food. Saw 3 good shows, and put almost 20K steps in every day walking in the nice weather. Was very fun to see Barry and spend some time with him and his dog, Millie. Hope to see the rest of the family at Thanksgiving.
Tough time for GMan and Barb as she is faced with more chemo. Her leukemia is a very tough disease to knock out, and I hope her strength allows her to keep fighting. She has waged a valiant struggle for the past 6 months. The future is cloudy, and it makes all her family so sad seeing her suffer so much for a potential cure that did not occur. Tough times.
And what else is going on the past 2 weeks? Let's take a look and see...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Lauren Boebert was found to have had affairs with 3 staffers, among them a 4 year affair with a female staffer, who she paid $200,000 to keep the relationship quiet...
Missouri Senator, Eric Schmitt, thought he had the goods on Jack Smith. He was sure that he had evidence that Smith met up with Fani Willis to try and convict Trump. Calling him a "dirtbag", he was embarrassed when Smith was shown to be at an Iowa Hawkeyes women's game, not the Atlanta Hawks game in Atlanta that Schmitt thought he was at...
Schmitt looked like a moron, the GOP was embarrassed, and Smith was able to reveal some startling facts about January 6 to the nation...
We are just a month away from the midterm elections, and with Trump and the GOP lagging in the polling, many wonder what dirty tricks he will try and play to keep his party in power...
Trump has tried to portray the Democrats as lunatics and Communists that will destroy America...
While he ignores the problems his own party has caused for average Americans...
especially when it comes to healthcare...
When it comes to the media, Trump is trying to censor those who do not support his policies by calling them, "fake news" and trying to limit their access to the White House, a clear violation of Constitutional Law...
In Sports News, the Packers have faced injuries, player suspensions and offensive line woes to stand 2-2 with a home game coming against their hated rivals...
And lastly, the Brewers won two exciting games against the Padres to take a 2-0 lead in the best of 3 series. Some say that Uecker kept them in the game by knocking down a potential homer in the first game from up above. The Cubs season is over...
With all the News covered, we start off with the master of the mammaries, our pal from Denver...
Two men who were out hunting were walking through a field when suddenly one of them starts breathing heavily, turning blue and foaming at the mouth. He falls to the ground, starts convulsing and then nothing, just lying there motionless with his eyes open and his tongue hanging out. The other guy, all in a panic, calls 911 and is so distraught, he can barely get his words out.
The person on the other end finally gets him calmed down and asks, “Okay, now, tell me your emergency.”
The guy says, “we were just walking along in a field, and my friend started breathing heavily, turned blue and foamed at the mouth. He fell down, shook like crazy and now he’s just lying there. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.
The 911 operator says, “I’m so sorry, but before we figure out what to do next, let’s make sure he’s actually dead”.
The guy says, “Okay”, then there’s a few seconds of silence and then a loud bang.
The guy comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”.
A woman took her husband to the doctor because he had not been feeling well.
The doctor examined the wife's husband thoroughly before he turned to her and said, "I'm sorry, I don't like the look of your husband."
"Neither do I," she replied, "But at least he's useful around the house."
One for Platinum Tarks, from Big Al...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous women nursing a drink. Walking up to her he says “Hi Beautiful. How’s it going?”
Having already downed a few drinks she turns around looks him straight in the eyes and says “Listen Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in a car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, naked or with clothes. It just doesn’t matter to me. I have been doing it since I graduated college, and I just fucking love it.”
The guy responds, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too. Which firm are you with.”
You know this is true...
A spy joke for this week's Update...
A Russian spy, an American spy and an Italian spy were captured by a terrorist organization and kept in the same cell.
The terrorists first dragged out the American spy, tied him to a chair and started asking him questions about the nation's secrets, codes and plans.
The American spy refused, and when threatened with torture he spat on their face.
After 2 continuous hours of brutal torture the American finally gave up and gave them every thing he had.
They then picked up the Russian and again asked him for his country's confidential information. The russian refused.
After 5 continuous hours of goreish, sick and disturbing torture even the russian gave up and gave them every thing he had.
Then they moved onto the Italian, did the whole thing with him, he too remained quiet.
After 6 hours of bloody indescribable torture, the italian hadn't said a word.
Soon 8 hours passed and the italian was still quiet, the terrorists grew tired and told him they'd be back in some time and left the three to rot together.
The american then turned to the italian and asked him "Hey, Luigi! What the hell was that? Do you not feel pain?"
The russian too was very shocked, "Comrade! How in the world did you endure that!"
The italian, with tears rolling down his face replied
"I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied"
And speaking of Italians...
An Italian and a Greek were having a discussion about whose culture contributed more to the modern world:
The Greek:“Well, we built the Parthenon.”
The Italian: “We built the Colosseum and the forum.”
The Greek: “We invented mathematics.”
The Italian: “We had the Roman Empire.”
The Greek (with a final flourish): “We invented sex!”
The Italian (after a moment of thought): “Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced the concept to women!”
We can see what is important in this story...
A man in his 80’s walks into a bank, walk up to the tell and says, I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The tell says, “ I can help you with that but please don’t curse at me.”
The man says, “what damn cursing are you talking about? I don’t damn curse and just want to open a fucking checking account.
The Teller says ”Okay, sir, I will be right back.”
She goes to the bank president and says,
A guy just came to my window and is cursing at me. I don’t think that I should have to listen to it.”
The bank president agrees with her, and they walk back to the window where he says, “Yes sir, how can I help you?’’
The guy says. I just won $100 million fucking dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The bank president says, “I see Sir and this fucking Bitch is giving you problems?”
This will make you laugh...
An oldie but goodie Little Johnny joke that is funny...
Little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and he really has to go to the bathroom, so he yells out, "Miss Jones, I really have to take a piss!"
The teacher replies, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
So Little Johnny, hopping up and down trying to hold it in, says, "Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
What is bravery?...
During a storm, 3 Admirals are discussing what constitutes bravery.
Russian Admiral: "We Russians definitely have the biggest balls of any other navy. Want to see?"
He calls over one of his recruits and commands him to jump into the middle of the wavy ocean and swim 20 laps around the ship. The recruit without a second thought salutes and promptly dives into the dangerous waters and swims around the boat twenty times before returning to his post. "See his bravery? Now that's having balls." said the Russian Admiral
American Admiral: "That's nothing! Let me show you why we in the U.S.A. are known for having the biggest balls out of any military in the world. "
He calls over one of his recruits and commands him to jump into the ocean, swim 50 laps, and catch a fish with his bare hands. The recruit exclaims 'Sir, Yes Sir' before immediately and skillfully plunging into the stormy water and swimming fifty laps around the ship. After this, he disappears under the water before resurfacing with a huge fish he flops onto the deck. The American Admiral says to the others "See his dedication? Now that is having balls."
Canadian Admiral: "Alright boys, now you settle down because we Canadians fur sure have the biggest balls. Get a load of this..."
He calls over one of his recruits, and commands him to jump into the ocean and swim 100 laps around the ship. After this, he is instructed to dive 100 feet deep, catch a shark, rip out one of its teeth, and use the tooth to give himself a scar on his shoulder spelling 'Navy'. The Canadian recruit after hearing his orders takes one look at the Admiral, another look at the water, and quickly retorts "Are you out of your goddamn fucking mind?? You must be stupider than you look. I’m not fucking swimming in that, I’m definitely not touching a shark, and I’m sure as hell not carving up my arm for your ego. What a pathetic excuse for an admiral. If you want, you can go do it your own fucking self. Now I'm going for a beer, idiot, go fuck yourself!" He turns on his heel and marches off in a huff.
The Canadian Admiral turns to the other two and says "See how he just spoke to me? Now THAT's having balls."
Now THIS is a bad day...
Don't be a disappointment to your mother...
Three mothers: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, are talking about how disappointed they are in their daughters:
The red headed mom says, "I found whiskey in my daughter's room and I didn't even know she drank."
The brunette mom says, "I found marijuana in my daughter's room and I didn't even know she did drugs."
The blonde mom says, "I found condoms in my daughter's room, and I didn't even know she had a dick!"
And finally, a study I think your wife is familiar with...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Julie Kavner was born in Los Angeles on September 7, 1950, the second daughter of Rose Kavner (1918-2010), a family counselor, and David Kavner (1917-2016), a furniture manufacturer, and grew up in a Jewish home in Southern California. She decided to pursue a career in acting because "There was nothing else I wanted to do ever". She attended Beverly Hills High School (which she later admitted she hated), where she was "something of a loner", and unsuccessfully tried out for several plays. John Ingle, formerly the chairman of the Beverly Hills High School art department, later commented that Kavner was "excellent at improvisation, but she wasn't an ingenue and not that castable at that age".
After graduating from high school, Kavner attended San Diego State and majored in drama, being cast in several productions including a role as Charlotte Corday in "Marat/Sade", becoming known for her improvisation and ability to do both comedy and drama. After graduating in 1971, she got a day job as a typist at the UCLA.
In 1973, Kavner auditioned for a role as one of Rhoda Morgenstern's sisters in "The Mary Tyler Moore Show". David Davis, producer of the show, had convinced her to audition for the part, but decided to cast another actress instead. A year later, Rhoda Morgenstern became the leading character in a spin-off called Rhoda. Kavner was cast in her first professional acting role as Brenda Morgenstern, sister of the eponymous character. Rhoda ran on CBS from September 9, 1974, to December 1978, and Kavner received four Primetime Emmy Award nominations for Oustanding Supporting Actor in A Comedy Series for playing Brenda, winning in 1978.
After "Rhoda", she was seen in "Taxi" and the "Tracey Ullman Show", as well as other supporting TV and movie roles, but is most remembered as the voice of Marge Simpson on the popular show, "The Simpsons". She also voices Marge's sisters, Patty and Selma Bouvier. She never performs Marge's voice in public because she feels it would destroy the illusion of Marge as a real person.
Here is Julie Kavner roasting Valerie Harper on the "Dean Martin Roasts", as well as talking with some of the others who did voices on "The Simpsons"...
And todays Jewish Joke is apt for today's political climate...
A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes?no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud."
The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner."
The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."
The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."
The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can.
With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.
The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"
The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"
The newest Star Wars character...