QUICKIES that are very punny...
It has been mighty cold in Wisconsin this past week, and that is why I am really ready to head off to a two week trip to our happy place, Grand Solmar in Cabo. We have been going there for the past 15 years for two weeks and never get tired of it. The weather is usually great, we have found lots of great places to eat. The resort is clean and comfortable, and the people are so friendly and nice. Will spend a week with Platinum Tarks and wife and the second week will be with MBArry. Looking for a great time.
And big news for MBArry, he has left his old job and taken a new one with a French company doing business consulting. He will now run their New York operation and there is more potential for advancement. It is exciting and a bit nerve wracking, but he is up for the challenge. We will celebrate his new job over margaritas, I am sure.
Good news for both Beautiful Bonnie and I, our 6 month scans were both normal. Let's hope they stay that way. And G-Man's wife, Barb, has begun her chemo. She is tolerating it well and has a good attitude and lots of family support, which is so important. We are thinking of her and wishing her well. Also in Sick Bay is Vegas Boy, Billy Bong, who just went through back surgery this week. Spoke to him and all went well, now comes the work to recover. And I am sure he will put in the work so he is ready for golf season in summer and dice rolling with the Vegas Boys in fall. And one last bit of Sick Bay News is that our computer expert, Brad The College Grad, is still having issues with his stimulator that was placed a bit ago. It caused him to miss the last poker game, and all in attendance were saddened by his absence. Let's hope they can get the technology ironed out and it helps Brad get a better quality of life. He also has an amazing attitude towards dealing with a chronic, shitty problem
So this Update will have to last you until December 30 when I get back from Cabo. And let's start it off with a look at some of what happened in the NEWS this past week...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Trump and Pete Hegseth continue their war with the "narcoterrorists" in the waters around Venezuela. Their policy of taking down boats and all the people on them has gotten them in hot water as survivors have been shot while clinging to boat wreckage...
Hegseth makes light of the incident, but the killing of people clinging to boat wreckage is certainly a war crime...and who will take the fall for this? Certainly not Trump or Hegseth, I am sure...
Meanwhile, our Commander In Chief is not only "asleep at the wheel", he is actually asleep during Cabinet meetings when his Secretary of State is talking to him!...
At the same time that Trump is waging war on "narcoterrorists" in Venezuela, he is issuing pardons to proven drug traffickers from other countries...
It seems that Trump has used the power of the Presidential Pardon many times more than his predecessors put together, and it seems like many times for his own families gain...
With all of Trump's swollen ankles, falling asleep and other maladies, he went to Walter Reed and had some tests, including an brain MRI, which we have a copy of. To Trump's mind, he did amazingly well on all of them and was in perfect health, although photos may differ on this...
While we are on the subject of "Full of Shit", there is a never ending litany of Trump policies that qualify, from Epstein File release, to the economy, and more...
And what does the GOP do about it? They wait until the date to register for primary elections has passed and THEN they may raise their objections without fear of being primaried...
In Sports News, after a tough game against their oldest rival from Chicago, which came down to the final seconds, the Pack faces a tough AFC team from...
And in Weather News, it will be sunny and 80 in Cabo. A different type of Christmas scene than you have back in snowy Wisconsin, with the famous Cabo arch in the background and a cute Cabo Christmas elf in the foreground...
So with all the News covered, a joke that will make you all laugh from the guy who always is there to provide jokes for us...
Four bubbies in Miami are playing cards.
The first sighs and says “Oy!”
The second in a pained voice responds, “Oy vey!”
The third wails “Oy vey iz mir!”
And then the fourth one replies, “I thought we agreed not to talk about the children!”
Be careful what you get for Christmas...
An old man always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.
So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Wife looked him over. “Nope”, she said.
Frustrated, husband stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked wife, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"
Wife looked up and said, "Robert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
Furious, husband yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!”
Wife sighed and replied, "Shoud’ve bought a hat, Robert! Should’ve bought a hat."
While we are talking about sex...
An old married couple goes to the fair and see a big bull on display. The bull’s owner proudly states that the bull has sex eight times a day.
The wife nudges her husband and says he should go speak to the bull’s owner and see if he could learn anything that would improve his performance in the bedroom.
The husband looks at her and suggests she should go ask the man if it’s all with the same cow.
Thoughts...from our pal in Denver...
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me.
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Probably won't find any Chinese restaurants when I am on my MEXICAN VACATION...
Too cold to golf, but not too cold for a golf joke...
Two men are golfing on a random sunday.
Golfer 1 is about to hit the ball when he notices a funeral procession on the other side of the street. The casket is being lowered into the ground.
Golfer 1 stops mid-swing, takes off his hat and places it on his chest in silent prayer.
Golfer 2 notices this and does the same, before praising Golfer 1.
Golfer 2: "Sir, that is the most respectful gesture I've ever seen anyone do. I truly applaud you."
Golfer 1: "Yeah we were married 30 years."
And speaking of golf...
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.” His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”
A bunch of groaners from our joke master...
What do you call a dinosaur Fart?
A Blast from the past
What does a Panda Cook with?
A Pan…Duh!
News broke that NASA is launching a satellite to apologize to Alliens.
It’s called the Apollo G.
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
Amathmachicken
I heard that in Athens nobody wakes up before noon.
I guess Dawn is tough on Greece
I have a pet manatee named Hugh.
I built him a house. It’s a house for Hugh manatee.
I saw a couple of cows smoking a joint and playing cards.
The steaks were pretty high.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
He pastaway,
What do you call two guys above a window?
Kurt & Rod.
I saw that a man got hit by a rental car.
He said it Hertz.
Who says The Chairman is not a smooth talker?...
I had a call from a scammer the other day...
Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>;
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it's already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Ok.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
The day of the first jump, the guy comes home. His dad says, "Well, son, how'd it go?"
His son says, "Well, we were up there, and I was the last one to jump. But when I got to the door I couldn't do it. So the instructor told me 'You had better jump out of this god damn plane before I stick my dick right up your ass.'"
So the father says, "Well, son, did you jump?"
And the son says, "A little, at first."
I always wondered how they got that...
“Yes?”
“Hello, kind sir. I’m a weary mystic traveler and I will do any sort of work you want if you would just let me sleep in your barn for tonight.”
“Sleep in my barn? No one should sleep in a barn. You’re a weary mystic traveler and my wife and I invite you to spend the night in our home. We will give you dinner and then put you--
“So, then I can do any sort of work and—”
“No,no, you don’t have to work.”
So the farmer and his wife provide a nice dinner for the traveler, after which he’s shown a nice comfortable bed to spend the night. Wakes up next morning to a hearty breakfast.
“OK. What work can I do now?”
“No, you don’t have to work. The Lord means for us to extend friendship to weary travelers.”
“Well, in that case, being a mystic and having the ability to converse with animals, I will go talk to your animals.”
Farmer turns to his wife and stage whispers.
“Look at this guy. Gonna talk to the animals.”
“Listen, weary traveler. You really don’t have to do that. You don't owe us anything. Just go on your way.”
“But I want to.”
“All right”
About 20 minutes later the traveler comes back.
“I spoke to your horses. You changed the bit. You used to have a nice oval bit, but you changed it for triangular bit that pulls their jaws w-i-d-e apart so the can’t pull as much weight. You think that--”
“YOU’RE RIGHT!”
Farmer turns to his wife.
“HE’S RIGHT! HE’S RIGHT! I CHANGED IT. I did change the bit. It’s a triangle bit. HEY, I’LL CHANGE IT BACK TO THE OLD ONE!”
“Yes. And the cows. I was speaking to the cows and they said that the milking machines are set to 36 pulsations and it’s painful. It used to be set at 28 and—”
“HE’S RIGHT! HE’S RIGHT AGAIN! “I’LL PUT IT RIGHT BACK TO 28!! Will you look at this guy?”
“And the sheep. I was speaking with the sheep and---”
“GODDAM LIARS! DON’T BELIEVE A WORD.”
Important to know this...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Sam Morril was born in Chelsea, Manhattan, New York City. In a 2024 episode of the We Might Be Drunk podcast, Morril said that according to his 23 and Me test, his ancestry is "a lot of Ashkenazi Jew" and "twelve percent" Turkish. Morril was known as Sam Greenberg before his mother married his stepfather, and Morril took his surname. He has two step-siblings. He attended Tulane University before graduating from New York University.
Morril was named one of Comedy Central's "Comics to Watch" in 2011 and has worked with comedians including Dave Atell, Conan O'Brien, Marc Macon and Amy Shumer. He has appeared on Late Night show with Conan O'Brien as well as Stephen Colbert. He performed his stand-up routine on America's Got Talent, in 2016, but did not win. His first one-hour special, Positive Influence, was released by Comedy Central in September 2018. His second one-hour special, I Got This, was released via Comedy Central's You Tube channel in February 2020. He is a regular on Comedy Central's This Week at the Comedy Cellar, performing frequently when not on tour. He appeared on the Netflix series, That's My Time with David Letterman.
Here are some of the stand up performances of Sam Morril...
And today, The Chairman takes a look at some important JEWISH RULES that you must know if you are a member of the tribe...
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