QUICKIES that you can't tell in mixed company...
Well, this Update will have to last you until I get back from my travels to Cincinnati and Europe and craft an Update for May 12. Today's Update is a rather unique one, and you have a lot of time to fully peruse the interesting stuff in the Video Vault. Also, while I am gone, I would appreciate some Jokes being sent along, as the inventory of good humor is getting low.
Murphy will be in good hands and with her dog sitter, who will watch her and our house. She is certainly slipping these days, and I hope she will be around when we get back. It will be sad when our days of having a 4 legged friend around come to a close, but we are at a stage in life that another dog is not in the cards.
Dr J and family just got back from a week in Panama over spring break. He highly recommended it-the food was good, the exchange rate was good, the people friendly and the weather very nice. They toured the Canal and found the bigger cities much more cosmopolitan than they expected. Will be nice to see him and MBArry in Cincinnati later this week for Rabbi Scott's installation.
In Sick Bay, Billy Bong's wife is back to Denver to continue her rehab there. She is making progress and has a remarkable attitude. GMan's wife continues to get chemo for AML with the hope of a bone marrow transplant, it's a tough cancer. The Survivor continues to do just that...survive every insult that is put in his path. Amazing.
Some good news, The Czar of The Cigar's son in law was named the director of JFS in our fair city. Nice promotion to a guy who deserves it. Nice news for the family as well.
And what else is going on this past week? Lets take a look at the News and find out...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Before I get to the news, the week before we left on our trip to Europe, Beautiful Bonnie got an interesting fortune in her fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant we ate at...
J.D. Vance met with the Iranians to try to extend the ceasefire and come to an agreement to open the Strait of Hormuz. He was unsuccessful...
In response to the failed talks, and the Iranian's stating they would not reopen the Strait of Hormuz, Trump took the novel strategy of saying that HE would blockade the Strait...
Hungarian autocratic prime minister, Viktor Orban, was surprisingly defeated by Peter Magyar on concerns of poor economic performance one week after J. D. Vance visited to pledge support for him from Trump, who loved his autocratic ways...
Melania Trump had a rare press appearance in which she denied any relationship with Epstein, said she did not go to his island and called for full disclosure of what is in the Epstein Files to give the victims justice. This is not what the White House was proposing, and supposedly Trump did not know what she was going to say. Really???..
Trump ranted he was going to destroy the Iranian civilization if a settlement was not achieved, and before the deadline, a shaky ceasefire was brokered. But has this settlement accomplished anything?...
Trump's war in Iran and his desire to put his name on everything in Washington has been a disaster for average Americans, but a windfall for the Trump family...
And it looks like Iran will now charge tolls to pass through the Strait of Hormuz, giving them windfall profits from the war that Trump says "they lost", and driving up oil prices for the rest of the world, America included...
Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, continues to refer to Jesus Christ as leading our troops to victory over a Muslim country, forgetting that the United States is NOT a Christian nation and there is separation between Church and State in the USA. He and Trump have a strange view of how Jesus would like Americans to act...
The Economy is a mess. Prices and inflation are higher, and Trump says it will be very short lived. Economists are not so optimistic...
You would think that MAGA Republicans would start to waver in their support of Trump, but most polls say the anyone who called themselves a MAGA Republican is still 90% in favor of Donald Trump. While MAGAs claim to be Christian, their policies leave you wondering, as most of their positions would make Jesus shake his head in disbelief...
On the other side, Democrats are even more united in their opposition to the America that Trump is trying to create...
In Science News, the Artemis II mission went on a journey to the dark side of the moon, where no humans had been before. The pictures that they sent of what they saw were amazing, and quite striking...
And lastly, in college basketball, the transfer portal opened. It has become a money driven free for all, with players leaving schools to get the most money that they can. There is little loyalty to schools which spend time developing the players, and fans have a difficult time developing a bond to teams that have a revolving door of players each year. This is what colleges can expect to pay for top basketball talent. The system is broken. Players deserve to make money, but free transfers every year is not sustainable...
So with all the News covered, here us a joke from a funny guy who rarely sends us any jokes. A friend of mine for over 60 years, he brings us some random thoughts from an old person...
Good to have a loving wife...
And speaking of a loving wife...
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Some "punny" stuff from my Traveling Buddy...
Try this the next time you visit the Golden Arches...
Be careful of women who think you are hot stuff...
Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!"
Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind."
The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!"
Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!"
Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?"
Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!"
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building.
The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment.
Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside. The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!"
"Crap!" Jerry exclaims.
"Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes."
Because the husband stays home all day, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!"
"I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before"
One about our pal, Little Johnny. This is dumb, but it still made me laugh...
Little Johnny was in class and his teacher was going through a list of words to have each student use in a sentence.
As she got closer to Little Johnny, she began to worry about her decision. His word was "urinate," and she didn't want to give it to him.
Teacher "Who wants the next one?" Little Johhny has his hand waving in the air while no one else responds.
Defeated, the teacher says "Ok, Johnny, your word is 'urinate'."
Little Johnny thinks for a moment then says: "My dad says 'you're an 8' but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10!"
Big Al with a sexy joke...
A boy was having sex with a girl on the railway tracks
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.
Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants…
The driver shouts out to the boy “Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been your last fuck..!!!
Boy goes…‘Listen dude, you were coming… she was coming…. and I was coming…. and then I realized …. only you have brakes."
You will never get confused on which park is in which city again...
This joke seems like a "stretch"...
A guy inherited some money, and decided he wanted to use it to ride around in the back of his own limo, like a celebrity. However, after spending most of the inheritance on a beautiful car, he found he couldn't afford either a full time driver, or even the factory option self driving software. So he spent the rest of the money on some discount self driving software from another vendor. However on the first day it broke.
"Wow," he said, "all that money I spent on this car"...
"...and I've got nothing to chauffer it".
Wondering what to do for those holiday gift to the people who provide services to you?...
The mailman was intrigued and follows her inside.
She takes him to the bedroom and starts taking her clothes off and they have sex.
After it's over, he gets dressed to leave and she hands him a 5 dollar bill and says thank you.
The mailman was confused, he asks: "what was all this for?"
She says: "My husband and I were discussing Christmas gifts and I asked him if we should give anything to the mailman and he said: "ahh fuck him, give him 5 dollars."
Home schooling is not easy...
The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze!"
"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.
"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.
The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
And finally, this is really true...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
David Norris Brenner was born to Jewish parents in 1936 and raised in Philadelphia. His father, Louis, was a vaudeville comedian, singer and dancer, performing under the stage name of Lou Murphy, who gave up his career and a film contract to please Brenner's grandfather, a rabbi, who objected to his working on the Sabbath. Once David became successful, he regularly sent his parents on cruises, and both of Brenner's parents would eventually die at advanced ages while on cruises aboard the Queen Elizabeth 2 approximately two years apart.
After high school, Brenner spent two years in the U.S. Army, serving in the 101st Airborne and as a cryptographer of the 595th Signal Corps in Germany. After being discharged, he attended Temple University where he majored in mass communication and graduated with honors.
Brenner was a writer, director or producer of 115 television documentaries and headed the documentary units of Westinghouse Broadcasting and Metromedia, winning nearly 30 awards including an Emmy, before moving to comedy. His first paid gig was at The Improv in June 1969, and following that he frequently performed at clubs in Greenwich Village. He performed stand up and was a frequent guest of late night TV talk shows. After making his national television debut in 1971, on The Tonight Show, he became the show's most frequent guest, with 158 appearances. He guest-hosted for Johnny Carson 75 times between 1975 and 1984, placing him fifth on the list of Carson's most frequent guest hosts. He also wrote five books, and starred in four HBO Specials.
He performed in Vegas often, and The Vegas Boys saw him in the early years of the annual trip (He wasn't great).
Brenner died in 2014 at the age of 78 from pancreatic cancer.
Here is David Brenner's first Tonight Show appearance and a video of him doing stand up in 1995...
And todays Jewish Joke is one from my best source for jokes, Big Al...
A Jewish daughter says to her Mother. “ I am divorcing Nathan, All he wants is Sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is as big as a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece”
Her Mother says” you’re married to a multimillionaire businessman, You live in an 8-bedroom mansion and drive a $250,000 car and take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for forty five cents!”
An extra Jewish funny from The Czar of The Cigar...