These QUICKIES are surely groaners...
Went to the final Packer exhibiton game on Friday, and then, as we are dogless now, decided to drive up to Door County and spend two nights there. It was tons of fun, not too crowded, as school is back in session and summer is almost over. Did a bunch of walking, ate some good food like cherry pancakes, cherry pie, cherry duck, cherry french toast and a cherry margarita...you get the idea. Some rain on Saturday put a damper on the weekend, but it was a really good time.
Went up to Madison to see my sister who fell and broke her pelvis. She is getting along better, will just take time to get back to her level of prefall activity...but she will. Also saw Brad The College Grad with the Poker Group. It was fun to have all the guys in Madison for a poker game, but a bit bittersweet, as his days of coming into Milwaukee to play may be over. Let's hope not.
GMan's wife, Barb, is back on chemo to try and improve her blood numbers. She is quite the trooper to go through all she has for the last 4 months. We sure wish her well.
And next week we start a bunch of Vegas themed Updates for the last 3 weeks in preparation for Vegas 32. Amazing that in the last 34 years we have only missed 1 year for Covid and 1 year where we substituted a trip to Portage for Vegas, as Covid was still ongoing. Really looking for a good time with the Vegas Boys...like we always have.
And what else is going on?? Let's take a look at the News and see...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Two more children have died from measles, a preventable childhood illness, and no surprise, they were not vaccinated. How did our HHS Secretary RFK Jr. respond? He said that you could cure measles with "Chicken soup and Vitamin A" and you did not need a vaccine. Wait until polio, smallpox, mumps, and more raise their ugly heads...
Another bad decision, Trump is now importing Australian beef to lower meat prices. Never mind it has the highest rate of antibiotic use in the beef or that it undercuts American ranchers...
Trump continues to fight with our allies and cozy up to our enemies. Most recently he is pushing Canada away with trade agreements that he knows they will not agree with. And to further spit in their eye, he has renamed Lake Ontario, now to be called, Lake America...
Natalie Harp is a special assistant to Trump. She has been called his "work wife" and is constantly at his side, acting as his gatekeeper and a part of his inner circle. The relationship smacks of inappropriateness...
Trump continues to make policies that do not help the average American...
And what of the role of Congress in oversight of the Executive Branch? The deficit that the GOP is always harping on when Democrats are in office? The misstatements? Totally burying their heads in the sand...
The fraud is ongoing, and the only election fraud I can find is what Trump, Musk and their cronies have perpetuated on us...
If the results of the most recent GOP primaries are an indicator, the MAGA world is still on board with Trump...
Some Business News about beer and chips as well as some interesting things about State Fairs...
And lastly, the NCAA's transfer portal system is broken, as A.J. Storr shows, plus a new World Cup foosball game and Dolly Parton is gone...
With all the News covered, we kick off the Jokes with one from a funny guy in Denver appropriate with the NFL season around the corner...
You might have heard this one before...
"You talk?" the guy asks.
"Yep," the dog replies.
"Wow!" says the guy. "So, what's your story?"
The dog says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, most of whom can talk and are helping to keep the country safe. Now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner says.
"Ten dollars?" the guy says. "That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
And the owner says, "Because he's full of shit. He's never been out of the yard."
A guy takes his dog to the bar. The bartender says dogs are not allowed inside. "But he's a special dog, he can talk!"
"Alright, prove it then."
"Alright boy, what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark, bark!"
"Good job, boy. Now, what's on top of a house?"
"Roof, roof!"
"Great job, buddy. Now, who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth, Ruth!"
"Just get out of here!", the bartender says angrily.
As they walk away, the dog turns to his owner and says "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio instead?"
Blonde joke from a guy who loves to see them...
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a peel and win sticker on her coffee cup.
She peels it off and starts creaming “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”
But the blonde keeps screaming that she won a motorhome.
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “I’m sorry but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t possible have won such a prize because we don’t offer that.”
The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake” and hands the manager the sticker off the cup.
He reads…WIN A BAGEL.
So it really can happen...
Got to know how to tell a joke...
A man is sentenced to prison for a non-violent crime. He's scared, but on the first night he notices something strange.
It's after lights out and all the inmates are in their cells, when a voice from one of the cells yells out, "2467!". And all cells resound with laughter.
After a brief silence, another voice shouts out, "7113!" Again, all the other inmates burst out laughing in their cells.
Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what's going on. "We love to tell jokes at night," comes the reply. "But since we've been here so long we know them all and have them numbered. So we just yell out the number!"
This goes on for some time. At last, wanting to get in on the action, he decides to try his luck. He boldly shouts out, "557!"
But there is an awkward silence. After a while the sounds die down and it seems like everyone is selling down for bed.
He asks his neighbor what the problem was.
"What can I say kid. It's just your delivery that stinks."
In memory of Dolly Parton..
Dolly Parton and Princess Diana arrive together at the Pearly Gates (where time has no meaning). St. Peter says that there's only room for one in Heaven that day and that they should both state their cases to be let in.
Dolly goes first saying that she had used both of her God given attributes at every opportunity to make as many men happy as she could, bringing happiness to the world, and used the riches that they had brought her to do good and improve people's lives, so surely she should be allowed to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
"That's a very good argument", St. Peter said. "Diana, please state your case".
Diana simply dropped her pants, produced a tube and some water and proceeded to give herself a thorough douching.
St. Peter said, "Diana, please enter".
Dolly was incensed! She shouted, "How can this be? I told you how I used the breasts that God gave me to make people's lives better, and this woman commits a disgusting act of depravity and she's the one you let in?"
Sorry", St. Peter says, "But a royal flush always beats a pair!"
Some blonde joke quickies from our best source for jokes...
Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender?
Because she wanted apple juice.
Do you know what happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer’s?
Her IQ goes up!
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
Too see what was on the other side.
What do you if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the blonde hide her lucky charms?
Because she heard there was a serial killer.
What do a Blonde and a doorknob have in common?
Everyone gets a turn.
How true it is...
The Czar of The Cigar loves jokes about Irving...
Old Irving is on his deathbed, and the doctors let his wife Mildred know that he hasn’t got much time left. If there’s anything else she’d like to say, now’s the time. Mildred squeezes Irving’s hand, and says “Oh Irving, I love you so much. Do you remember all the years we shared?”
Irving looks out the window a moment, and replies, “Millie, do you remember when the market crashed, and we lost everything?”
“Of course, Irving, I was with you all night sorting through bills, but we made it through!”
Irving nodded slowly, and after a pause said, “Millie, do you remember when our dream home burned down?”
“I could never forget, I was with you in the ambulance, being treated for smoke inhalation, but we rebuilt!”
Irving sighs, and thinks a moment, “Millie, do you remember when I got my diagnosis?”
“Oh Irving I could never forget, I was with you in the examination room, holding your hand just like I am now!”
Irving turns and looks at Mildred, “You know Millie, I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck.”
A joke about a couple from Minnesota...
Lena and Ole were sitting at the kitchen table. They had been married for 50 years. Lena reached out and slapped Ole hard.
Ole said, “Ow! What was that for then?”
Lena said, “all the years of bad sex.”
Ole thought for a moment then slapped Lena. “
Ow!” She said, “What was that for?”
Ole said, “For knowing the difference.”
Try not to, but I know you will laugh at this dumb one...
A bagpiper was asked by a priest to play at a graveside service for an elderly homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be held at a graveyard next to a small village church. The bagpiper was not familiar with this area, he got lost and, being a proud man, didn’t ask for directions.
Finally, two hours late, he arrived to find that the priest and funeral director had already gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the gravediggers and crew left, and they were sitting in the grass eating lunch.
The bagpiper felt very bad and apologized profusely to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down to see the vault lid already in place. He let out a heavy sigh. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play his bagpipes.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around the bagpiper. He played out his heart and soul for this poor, homeless man with no family and friends. And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began weeping. They wept, the piper wept, they all wept together.
When the bagpiper finished, he packed up his pipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say with a shaky, grief-stricken voice, “I've never seen anything like that before ... and I’ve been installing septic tanks for 20 years.”
And finally, one your Christian friends will not laugh at...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
John Byner was born John Biener in New York City on June 28, 1938, the son of Christina, a mental hospital attendant, and Michael Biener, a truck mechanic.
On The Ed Sullivan Show, where he made his first early TV appearances, he mimicked Ed Sullivan among many others. John Wayne and singing like Dean Martin and Johnny Mathis. His ability to mimic "Toastmaster General" George Jessel came in handy during his appearances on panel programs such as celebrity roasts and other tributes.
In 1966, Byner released "Everybody Do The," a musical spoof of dance crazes, as a single on the Pop-Side label. Byner wrote the song with his manager Harry Colomby. The B side of the record was a cover of the blues/R&B/rock standard "Baby Please Don't Go"
He hosted his own show in 1972 called the John Byner Comedy Hour, where the character Super Dave Osborne, portrayed by Bob Einstein was first introduced.
He has guest starred on many TV shows and had supporting roles in movies. Here is John Byner doing stand up and some of his best impressions, especially of Deano and Ed Sullivan...
And todays Jewish Joke looks at what would have happened if the Three Wise Men were Three Jewish Women...
What would have happened if, instead of three wise men, it had been three wise women? Specifically, if it had been three wise (local) Jewish women?
They would have asked directions (but taken their own anyway), arrived on time (despite massive and annoying detours), helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a brisket, and brought practical gifts.
But what would they have said when they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmattes-for-a-gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin? I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your brisket dish back?"
Save these for the holiday...