Some QUICKIES that might give you a chuckle...
Superbowl is over, and it was not the best game I have seen. Have to give credit to the offensive and defensive lines of Seattle, which dominated the game. The Seattle GM, John Schneider, a native of Depere, WI, won his second Superbowl. When he went to Seattle, he had an out in his contract that would allow him to be the Green Bay GM, his hometown team, but that never materialized. Apparently one problem was that if he went to Green Bay, he wanted the ability to hire and fire the coach, and that is not the role of the GM in Green Bay, only the President of Football Operations can do that. Might have been a better hire than Gutty, as he won 2 titles with two coaches and vastly different teams. And he should have won a third, if Russell Wilson had handed off the ball from the one yard line instead of throwing a ridiculous pass. Oh well, not to be.
Even though the games are done, the NFL is now a year round activity. Free agency and the Draft will occupy football fans until training camp begins in the spring. Already Packer fans are debating who should be kept and who let go. The powers that be in the NFL really know how to maintain our interest in their product.
No News to report in Sick Bay for a change, and that is good news.
The Olympics is Beautiful Bonnie's favorite, and we have it on all the time. She is MUCH more vested in it than I am.
And next week will head to Cancun for DicDoc's daughter's wedding. It will be great to see their family. It is sad they are so far away, as we shared so many good times in years past. And the warm weather will be a nice change as well.
So let's move on to take a look at the News of The Past week, starting with a story that really bothered The Chairman...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Before we get to the main NEWS of the week, a story that bothered me so much it deserves a solo look. Last Thursday night, President Trump tweeted a video depicting him as the King of The Jungle, but also showing the Obamas as monkeys, a blatant racist stereotype. Trump blamed the post on a "staffer", but did not apologize for it. Karoline Leavitt said to the press to "stop the fake outrage and report on something today that actually matters to the American public". But it does matter. Is this the America we want to live in, with vile racism being spouted from our leaders, things that would get any CEO fired, any student expelled. Are we fine with masked vigilantes roaming the streets rounding up people without due process? Are we OK with cutting food to the needy and giving more tax breaks to the rich. I do not think any sane person wants this chaos to continue. The Chairman certainly does not, and this video was the breaking point. Maybe the country will wake up before it is too late, and maybe some Republicans will stop kissing the ring of the tyrant in office...
On February 2, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and we are predicted to have 6 more weeks of winter...and 3 more years of Trump...
The Epstein Files are still on America's mind. Overseas, men in power are being outed, but in America, not one person has been made to pay for all the agony of many raped young women. And now Trump says, "It is time to move on."...
And the MAGA world seems content to do that, as well as believe any lie, distortion of the truth or abomination of their religious beliefs that Trump may make them swallow...
ICE has begun a partial withdrawal from Minneapolis, as America tires of their heavy fisted approach to border security. And guess who was nominated for a Nobel Prize this year?...
After Trump put his name on the Kennedy Center, many artists who were booked to perform, refused to play. Attendance plummeted, so Trump decided to close the Center for 2 years and completely gut the structure, remaking it in his own image...
And now another naming opportunity, as Trump's narcissism knows no bounds. He is attempting to extort New York into renaming some of their landmark buildings in his name, or else they will not get Federal funding for a NYC tunnel project already approved...
With the deadline past for new Republican primary challengers to be filed, some GOP members are actually speaking out against some of Trumps ideas, but not enough...
In a harbinger of the midterm elections, a Democrat won in a Texas district that Trump handily carried in the last election, and a Minnesota election was won in which the Democratic candidate got 91% of the vote against a candidate endorsed by Trump...
And if the Trump administration enacts ideas like J.D. Vance's idea of going door to door to check peoples citizenship papers, will that finally be the straw that breaks the camel's back?...
America is also not fond of it's President enriching himself by selling out American secrets to Arab rulers...
It is probably too much to ask for the MAGA base to digest these facts and cogently look at their fearless leader...
In Entertainment News, the Melania movie received the lowest score from the critics on Rotten Tomatoes, a lowly 5%. The viewers, almost completely MAGA in scope, gave it a resounding score of 99%. It is the largest spread between critic score and audience score in the Apps history...
Also in Entertainment News, the Grammy Awards were broadcast last week. Trump was not pleased with the jokes that Trevor Noah made, and threatened to sue him. He probably was happy with some of the dresses that the attendees wore...
And finally, a few bits of Sports News to report. The Super Bowl was Sunday, and America has a definite favorite. The Wisconsin teams have some news about their star players. And two players who should be more careful about swapping jerseys after the game...
So with all the News covered, on to TODAY'S JOKES, with another submission from a guy we usually don't hear from. Here is one from a guy who is coasting into retirement in less than a year, a good poker player and all round nice guy, talking about...
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness and I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Retirement to do list: Wake up. - I Nailed it!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
Sometimes it takes me all getto get nothing done.
I don't trip; I do random gravity checks.
One minute you're young and fun. Next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going.
Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.
If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. ...I forgot where I was going with this.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It's weird being the same age as old people.
A woman goes to a garage sale and sees a box that says "magic dildo". Curious about it she asks the seller about it.
Seller: "Oh yeah, that old thing. You just open the box, say "magic dildo" followed by where you want it to go and it runs itself. Plus it auto-disinfects itself after each use. $5."
The woman buys it and goes home. She gets undressed in the living home, opens the box, does the summoning and has an amazing afternoon. The husband arrives, see the scene and ask what's going on.
Woman: "Honey, i'm just using my magic dildo".
Husband: "Yeah right, magic dildo my ass".
Have you heard about the blonde who went on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"?...
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-ThrushRemember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
Barbara: "I think I know it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
Ringing
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well so far on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Millionaire.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the the one Million dollar question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
clock ticking
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"Maggie: "Oh Gee, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Crowd cheers
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real good gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
"clapping"
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, how in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Big Al with a Little Johnny joke...
A third-grade teacher asked her class , “Can anyone give me an example of a long compound sentence?”
Mary says. “My mother gets up early every day and takes a shower, brushes her hair, does her makeup, puts on her prettiest dress, nicest earrings, her highest heels, and leaves the house and goes to work.”
“Excellent”, Thank you Mary. “ Now can anyone give me an example of a simple sentence?”
Little Johnny stands up and says, “Mary’s Mom is a whore”
And speaking of Big Al, I know his wife thinks he is sexy, because I can hear her say all the time...
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner...
...having served the parish for 30 years, and to mark the occasion, a prominent member of the congregation, a U.S. Supreme Court Justice, was asked to give the presentation and make a short speech afterward. Everyone was excited to hear the Justice’s remarks, however he was delayed in traffic, so the Priest decided to fill in and make a few remarks of his own while they were waiting:
“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession that I heard here, and I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The first person who entered my confessional told me that he had burglarized his next-door neighbor’s house, stole 3 TVs, and lied about it to the police when questioned. He got away with it.
He stole money from his parents and his employer. He had an affair with his boss’s wife, had sex with his boss’s 14-year-old daughter, and gave an STD to his sister-in-law. He was arrested for indecent exposure and has taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled that any one person could commit so many terrible acts, but as time went on, I saw that my flock here were not all like that, and that I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest was finishing his remarks, the Justice arrived, to a standing ovation, as he motioned for the room to quiet down. He made profuse apologies for his late arrival and immediately began his presentation:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the Justice. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A bit of wisdom, from a wise man we all know...
A pheasant and a bull are in the fields, just talking, chilling. The pheasant looks at the bull and says, “I am so handsome. I only wish I could fly; that would make me very happy.”
The bull says, “If you eat my droppings, once a day, within the week you’d be able to fly.”
The pheasant says, “Oh! Yeah, I will start right away!”.
The pheasant keeps at it for a week at the end of which he decides to give it a try. Lo and behold, he starts to fly, and he keeps going higher and higher. Soon, a loud bang, like a gunshot, is heard and the pheasant plummets to the ground.
The bull walks to where the pheasant is lying on the ground. And, finds him dead.
Don't you hate those drug tests at work?...
Another Tiger Woods joke...
Tiger Woods is driving his Rolls Royce through the middle of nowhere and pulls into a little gas station.
The attendant comes out to greet him: "Howdy Mr Woods, that sure is a real fancy automobile".
"Thanks. Fill her up, please" says Tiger.
As the attendant is filling the tank, Tiger decides to get out and stretch his legs. In doing so, a golf tee falls out of his pocket.
"Now what in tarnation is that thing, Mr Woods?"
"That's a tee."
"Well what is it for?"
"It's for resting my balls on when I drive."
"Hot dang, Rolls Royce sure do think of everything, don't they."
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
Looks like a job for DicDoc...
As I get older, this is not a joke, but true...
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.
"I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
"Well, it’s not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
And finally, for my coffee loving pal, Platinum Tarks...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Gabriel Weston Kaplan was born on March 31, 1945 in Brooklyn, New York, into a Jewish family. He was a student at the New Utrecht High School in Bensonhurst, but did not graduate.
As a child, Kaplan had aspirations of being a Major League Baseball player. However, he was unable to make the roster of a minor league team and decided to pursue other interests. He began working as a bellman at a hotel in Lakewood, New Jersey. Touring comedians sometimes performed at the hotel, and Kaplan began to work toward his own career as a stand up comic. He honed his standup routine in 1964 in places such as the Cafe Tel Aviv at 250 West 72nd Street, New York City.
Kaplan's comedy was successful, and he toured the country with his act based on his childhood experiences in Brooklyn. He appeared five times on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson from May 1973 to December 1974. During that time, he also recorded the comedy album Holes and Mellow Rolls, which included long routines about his high school days and other topics.
The sitcom "Welcome Back, Kotter", whose central characters he helped Eric Cohen and Alan Sacks create and whose core format he helped them to develop, was in part based on his comedy act. In the sitcom, Kaplan played Gabe Kotter, who returns as a teacher to the dysfunctional high school where he was a student. The series ran from 1975 to 1979, and popularized lines such as, "Up your nose with a rubber hose!", sanitized from the original album line "Up your hole with a Mellow Roll!", became an unlikely catchphrase from the show. It became so popular that a comedy record by Kaplan, Up Your Nose, was released by Eletkra Records, which peaked at #93 on the Billboard Chart.
After "Kotter" ended, Kaplan was in several movies, a play in which he portrayed Groucho Marx, and "Battle of The Network Stars" for 5 years on ABC.
Kaplan has always been interested in the financial markets and poker, and appeared in the World Series of Poker, making it to the final table two times and winning the main event at Amarillo Slims Super Bowl of Poker. He continued to be involved with televised poker until 2023 when he retired as a poker commentator.
Here is some of Gabe Kaplan's stand up act from 1976 and a bit on Johnny Carson. Also, a blast from the past from "Welcome Back Kotter", a show The Chairman loved...
And today, with Valentine's Day presents on your mind, from your host...
Four brothers left home for college and they became a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist and an entertainer.
They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift.
Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."