These QUICKIES will make you roll your eyes...
Beautiful Bonnie is back home after 6 days in California visiting Dr J, Lisa and the girls. I know she enjoyed seeing them and spending time with them. Murphy and I held down the fort in Mequon. I will get my chance to travel next month, when we go to Cincy for Rabbi Scott's installation and then at the end of the month go to the Netherlands, Belgium and Northern France with our traveling buddies for the 9th trip together. That will really be fun.
Murphy continues to now show signs of decline. Sleeping more, not walking as much, being less stable, and losing weight. She is 15 years old, and has made it almost 6 years after very aggressive anal cancer, a recurrance and last year an oral melanoma cancer surgery. They only gave her 6 months...six years ago. She will be our last dog and it will be sad when she is not around. Best to enjoy her time as much as we can.
The Bucks are also on the terminal list this year. Losing to the Bulls, Magic and Hawks last week just about killed the hopes to sneak into the playoffs. I bet they blow up the team next year...new coach and Giannis gone. Not much fun to watch them anymore.
March Madness however, is always fun to watch. The Badgers can beat anyone but can also lose to anyone (Oregon) if the 3 point shot is not falling. Love to watch the upsets and Cinderella stories this event always give us.
And what else is going on this week? Let's check out The News and find out...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Trump finally got to use the phrase, "You're Fired!", last week as Homeland Security Secretary, Kristi Noem, was let go and replaced by the junior senator from Oklahoma, Markwyane Mullin. This former mixed martial arts fighter was last seen hiding behind chairs during the Capitol insurrection on January 6...
The war in Iran, Operation Epic Fury, is ongoing. There is no sign of Iranian capitulation at this point, rather they seem intent on widening the conflict throughout the Middle East. Trump does not seem to have a coherent plan to manage the day after the bombs stop dropping, and in the Middle East, power vacuums always end badly...
Trump did not seek Congressional approval for war with Iran, he seems not to care, even though the Constitution requires it. And to make things even worse, soldiers in the conflict are being told that Trump has been anointed by Jesus to attack Iran to pave the way for the return of Jesus to earth. I guess that goes along with his idea that the United States is a Christian country...
It seems like the same rationale for attacking Iran was used to support attacks against Iraq, Libya and Afghanistan. It seems whatever lines in the sand Americans draw, Trump just walks right over them and does what he wants, aided by his ghoulish group headed by Stephen Miller...
Despite War with Iran, The Epstein Files does not go away, much to Trumps chagrin...
Between pardoning drug dealers and those convicted of Medicare fraud, the Trump Administration has not drained the swamp, they have taken up residence in the swamp...
In Business News, the stock market had a rough week and sank well below the 50,000 level. The fight over tariffs and who gets the money if the tariffs are cancelled remains murky...
In Health News, it is interesting how the military recruits were vaccinated prior to heading to the Middle East. And we still have no details on Trump's new healthcare plan...I suppose it is coming in two weeks...
Trumps desire to have control of the news media came a step closer as Paramount won the bidding war over Netflix to control Warner Brothers. This puts HBO, CNN, CBS all under the control of David Ellison, whos father, Oracle billionaire cofounder Larry Ellison, is a Trump buddy. CONTROL THE MEDIA-CONTROL THE MASSES...
One might think that MAGA supporters would be put off by the War in Iran, but they seem oblivious to being used by the big money power brokers that run the GOP these days...
I don't know about you, but I am very tired of the word, "liberal" being used as a negative slur for the past 10 years. JFK said it right, and when you consider what the word really means, I am OK with being called one. How about you??...
And lastly, don't forget about the national holiday on March 14 next week. I guarantee your wife will, unless you remind her...
So that finishes looking at this week's News. So now we move to Today's Jokes, with the coveted Lead Off Spot going to who else but Big Al...
A man goes out for a couple drinks with his two friends,” I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. I cam home and found a wire cutter under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”
The other men patten him on the back and told him things would turn out fine.
After another round of drinks, the second friend said “I also think my wife is having an affair with a Plumber. I cam home and found a pipe wrench under our bed. I don’t own a pipe wrench.”
The third friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a Horse.”
Both friends stared at him in disbelief.
“No, I’m serious, he said “The other day I came home and found a Jockey under our bed.”
Those lawyers...
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
“I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
“Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””
A bunch of quickies to amuse you...
That's basically the story of their entire life.
Honey. Nut. Cheerio!
When she's unhappy, it leaves a red mark in the middle of my forehead.
I should've bought her a diamond.
I guess I’m Lactose intolerant
What is Forest Gump's computer password?
1Forest1
Dumb one from our pal in Denver...
A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog and begins spinning the dog round and round in the air by his leash.
The store manager runs over, crying “Sir, sir, can I help you?”
The blind man replied “No thank you. I'm just looking.”
You know this is the truth...
"What we have is a failure to communicate"...
A woman lived with her daughter and son-in-law.
One day she arrived home to find her son-in-law in a fierce temper and packing a suitcase.
What are you doing, she asked. I'm leaving, it's the end of our marriage, he explained. I emailed my wife to say I'd be home early and when I got here I found her in bed with another man.
The mother replied, Oh no, my daughter would never do that, there must be a simple explanation, I'll go and speak to her.
After a while she came back and said, There, I told you so, there was a simple explanation.
She never got your email.
Some Dad jokes...
1: A man walks into a library and asks the librarian: “Do you have any books on how to commit suicide?” T
he librarian looks at him and says: “No.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
She replies: “Because you wouldn’t bring it back.”
2: A computer scientist’s wife tells him: “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
He comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
She asks, “Why did you buy so many?”
He replies: “They had eggs.”
3. A photon checks into a hotel.
The receptionist asks, “Do you have any luggage?”
The photon says: “No, I’m traveling light.”
Sound like something Big Al did as a kid...
A man was driving down the highway with his beautiful model girlfriend.
She piped up, “I think those people in the car next to us are from another country.
“What makes you think that ?” he said.
“Well, the kids are writing on the window, and it says,
“stit ruoy su wohs”
I wonder if The Sniper knows about this position from his days taking yoga...
In the confession booth...
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this.
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so | lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.
PRIEST: You forgot pride.
ME: No, I'm pretty proud of this.
Texas is in the news for their election results, now they are in the Jokes section as well...
A wealthy Texan commissioned an artist to paint him a mural depicting general Custer’s last words at the Alamo. He gave the artist free range as to how he would arrange the mural. Weeks passed as the mural was in progress, but eventually the time came for the wealthy man to view the work.
He entered the room, full of expectation, to see a mural depicting a large blue fish with a halo atop a hoard of copulating Native Americans on the hillside below.
What the hell is this, the man said. That’s not what I asked for.
Oh, but it is, said the artist. It transmits the true law sentiments and last words of general Custer. I figured they’d be “Holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!”
Maybe The Sniper knows this position...
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and even practising law somewhere."
I wonder if this was what Billy Idol was singing about in his hit song...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Lawrence Samuel Storch was born in New York City on January 8, 1923, the son of Alfred Storch, a cabdriver and broker, and his wife, Sally Kupperman Storch, a telephone operator, jewelry-store owner and rooming-house operator. His parents were observant Jews. He attended DeWitt Clinton High School in the Bronx with Don Adams, who remained his lifelong friend. Storch said that, because of hard times in the Great Depression, he never graduated from high school, instead finding work as a comic for $12 a week, opening for bandleader Al Donahue at the band shell in Sheepshead Bay.
During World War 2, he served in the Navy, where he was shipmates with Tony Curtis on the submarine tender, USS Proteus.
Storch was originally a comic and it led to appearances on many TV shows, like Car 54 Where Are You, Get Smart, Sergeant Bilko, and many more. He was best known as the scheming Corporal Randolph Agarn on the show, "F Troop" which ran from 1965-1967, and which Storch was nominated for an Emmy for appearing in.
After TV, variety show called and late in his career, he found work as an impressionist and voiceover star, working with Mel Blanc and June Foray at Warner Brothers Studios.
Storch also appeared on Broadway, gaining rave reviews on the show, "Breaking Legs". He did comedy LPs and TV movies as well.
Storch died in 2022 from the complications of Alzheimer's disease in New York at the age of 99.
Take a look below at Storch doing stand up, impressions and appearing in "F Troop"...
And todays Jewish Joke from your host, tells you what it takes to be considered a "Mensch"...
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it.
Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building.
He held the check for the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately.
At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."