QUICKIES about the delicate part of the male anatomy...
Congrats to The Sniper and Lucious Lori on their 50th Anniversary this week. A momentous occasion in any couples lives, and these two great people deserve praise for the great kids they raised and the caring couple they are. We all wish them a fun trip to Patagonia with their kids and grandkids later this summer to celebrate.
Good news in Sick Bay. Poker pal, ChipMan, is doing well after his total knee surgery, and G-Man's wife is out of the hospital and into a building next door that is a more of a stepped down, "hotel-like" abode. Still not home, but at least moving in the right direction.
Next week get a great treat as Platinum Tarks comes in town to share a poker game with the Old Jewish Guys Poker Club. Only missing The Waiter, who has a meeting, and Brad The College Grad, who is no longer able to come in from Madison for cards. It is a sad time for him, as Parkinsons has taken away his driving ability. We hope to bring the game to him later this summer, as the Guys go to Madison for a night of cards.
Good news for The Survivor, who sold his home in Whitman Place in 1 day on an overbid. No surprise there, they had really fixed it up nicely, much updated from the other units available. From here, they will be moving to Shorewood to share a large home with their son, daughter and grandchild. Multigenerational living, just like in the old days. It works for them in their situation.
Will bring you Jokes next week, but then a week off for Father's Day, as The Chairman goes to California to spend it with Dr J and family. Then will take the two granddaughters for a 5 day trip to Cabo. Will be fun to get them to ourselves for a bit of time. Hope all enjoy it.
There will be Jokes next week, June16, then a week off and the Jokes will return on June 30.
And what has happened this week in the News? Let's scope it out...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Marco Rubio appeared before Congress and the legislators questioned him about President Trump falling asleep during White House meetings. Rubio denied that ever occurred, but our eyes can still see, and it sure seems that he does...
The war in Iran continues. Trump says we are close to a deal, but we have heard that for months. All I know is that The Strait of Hormuz is still closed, oil reserves are drying up, and the world economy is poised for a big fall...
Next month, America celebrates their 250th birthday. While this should be a memorable event, the things that Trump has planned have taken all the joy out of the event. It is more about HIM than US...
In a decision that makes The Chairman happy, the Courts ruled that Trump must take his name off the Kennedy Center. As Congress put the name there, only they have the right to change it...
Having Trump as President is a daily exercise in frustration. The lies, the attempts to divide us, the fact that he is in our face every day...it is exhausting...
Congress finally has opened its mouth on some of Trump's ideas, like the January 6 slush fund. There is, however, way too much deference given to his crazy agenda...
People say, "Republicans...Democrats...they are all the same". But if you look at what they stand for, they are not the same. And in the midterm elections coming up, you have a chance to declare which camp you belong in...
Trump and his family are a First Family like the United States has never seen before...and hopefully won't see again...
In Business News, one of best and most straightforward explanations of how the rich get away without paying income tax...
In Medical News, the good and the bad. First the good, a South Korean researcher has found the switch to make cancerous colon cells return to being healthy, noncancerous cells. That means getting rid of cancer without radiation or chemo, that harms noncancerous cells as a side effect. And the bad, New World Screwworm is now infecting cattle in Texas. Trump disbanded the agency that was charged with preventing this when he enacted the DOGE cutbacks. Now the parasite threatens beef markets, and possibly humans in the future...
Paramount is now owned by Oracle owner Larry Ellison, a Trump loyalist. He has placed his son, David, in charge of a Paramount division, CBS. David Ellison put Bari Weiss in charge of CBS News. All this change led to the dismissal of Stephen Colbert, and now "60 Minutes" anchor Scott Pelley has resigned, citing pressure to slant the program in a more Trump friendly light by Weiss. One step on the road to state sponsored media and the end of an American institution, the Free Press. And if the bid for Warner Brothers by the same owners of Paramount goes through, you can write off CNN News, as they will be owned by the same Trump friendly group...
In Sports News, The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was released. There is no doubt that the star is buxom, 28 year old model, Hannah Palmer. Her strut down the runway dropped jaws all over the Internet and marked a return to curvaceous models seen years ago...
Speaking of curvaceous, two Hollywood actresses showed that you can still look great in your 50s. First was Charlize Theron, at 51, and second was "Saved By The Bell" star, Tiffani Amber Thiessen...
And lastly, as if we have not had enough, "Grey's Anatomy" has been renewed for their 23 season, and a new "Alien Vs Predator" movie is in the works...
With all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to who else, but my best source for jokes each and every week, with a story of marital fidelity...
Johnny comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with another man.
He takes out his gun and says to the other man ‘If you want my wife come take her from me like a man. I challenge you to a duel.”
The man accepts the challenge, and they both go into another room, close the door and Johnny tells the man “ Actually, nobody must get hurt.
Let’s shoot into the air and pretend like we are both dead and then we will see who my wife goes to first, and thus who she truly loves.”
They both fire their guns into the air and lay on the ground playing dead.
The wife runs into the room and see both men on the floor and shouts. “Honey you can come out now, they’re both dead.”
A couple jokes with a similar theme...
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting. This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese hooker. He has his way with the hooker and feels like he did a pretty good job. This thought is compounded by the fact that the hooker kept screaming "titigotchi, titigotchi" all night. The man took this to mean she was having as good of a time as he was.
So, the next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one!
The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, "titigotchi, titigotchi".
After he was jumping and screaming "titgotichi" he noticed all of the Japanese business men look at him strangely.
One of them comes up to him and asks "what you mean, 'wrong hole?'"
Well, technically...
The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?"
The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box."
Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave.
Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"
A one liner from a guy who should know about this...
DicDoc can use this joke when he writes prescriptions for this medicine...
More on marital fidelity...
The man pleads "Please don't leave us tied up, nobody checks up on us, we'll starve to death."
The thief says, "Na, it's too risky, I need time to get away".
The man says, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything, I'll give you my car keys, I'll empty my bank account, anything. You can even take her with you.."
The thief says, "Wow, you must really love your wife to be begging like that."
The man is almost crying, he says, "My wife will be home in 5 minutes".
A similar joke...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Recovering from knee surgery, this guy has time to send us a bunch of jokes. We all wish him a fast recovery...
I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
And shoots his friend dead.
Wife says "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
dad had a heart attack & our gardener ran away.
*********************************************************
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
*********************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
*********************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied
This is dumb...but I laughed at it...
Got to read this out loud to get it..
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow"
Those of you with daughters will get this one...
He stops, gets out and approaches her to see what is wrong when the burliest Scotsman he's ever seen emerges from the bushes. Before he can say anything, the Scotsman tells him, "Aye. Masturbate. Or I'll yer head off, ya ken?"
In cowering fear of his life, he somehow manages to do as asked, aided by the sight of the lovely lass who he stopped to assist. After he finished, he looked up at the giant Scot.
"Again. Or I'll slice you up from nave to the chaps. NOW!"
Fearing for his life, he somehow found the ability to manage one more go. Upon completion, he looked up again at giant Scot.
"AGAIN, ye tommy badge! Again, or i'll have yer bawbags!"
There was no way. "There no way I can do it again. None at all. You'll have to do what you have to do."
The giant Scotsman changed his demeanor and said, "Alright. Now you can drive me daughter to Aberdeen."
Be careful with online ordering...
—You boys better be running, Black Joe is coming!
And falls to the ground. Cowboys think to themselves:
— There are five of us and that Black Joe is alone.
And they carry on with their business when two well known gunfighters stumble in, all covered in blood and struggling to stay conscious:
— Run for your lives! Black Joe is close!
And they both collapsed on the floor. Now all the cowboys were in distress, fearing that Black Joe, and around that time they heard heavy steps and they looked outside. It was a huge man, all dressed in black, with a black beard and two black pistols in each hand. He enters the established and says to the cowboys:
— All of you, suck my cock! Get in line, quickly!
The terrified cowboys felt like they have no choice, so they did as they were told. And when it was all over, that huge guy, as he was putting his pants back on, spoke to the cowboys:
— You guys better get out of here, I saw Black Joe is heading this way!
And finally, the wife will not think this one is funny...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Rivkah (Robby) Sarah Hoffman was born on December 2, 1989, in the Brooklyn borough of New York, the seventh of ten siblings in a Hasidic Jewish family. Hoffman jokingly described her parents, who initially practiced Reform Judiasm and later changed to Hasidic Judaism: "They're two people who joined a Hasidic cult and had ten kids, and I'm the product of it." Her mother later became a Christian. During her early childhood, Hoffman's parents divorced; she and her siblings were subsequently raised by their single mother in her native Montreal, Canada. Hoffman has said her mother struggled financially to support their family, and that she lived in poverty.
After attending private high school Bialik Secondary School, Hoffman enrolled at McGill University, where she studied accounting and communications; after graduation, she enrolled in the graduate CPA program at McGill, only to quit a few hours into her first day of the program to pursue a career in comedy.
She has written comedy material and performed stand up, being a headlining act for the New York Comedy Festival in 2018. Hoffman won a Daytime Emmy for her work on the PBS series, "Odd Squad" She is in development with Showtime for an autobiographical comedy series called "Rivkah".
Hoffman is a lesbian and is married to The Bachelorette alumna, Gabby Windy.
Here is some of Robby Hoffman doing stand up...
And todays Jewish Joke comes from your host, as he tells you about something you might not be aware of, a Jewish Bra...
A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department. He tells the saleslady,
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34C.
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra,
and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for
them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra
supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm...I know I'll regret
asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills".
This is legit, a certified Kosher, single malt scotch whiskey. Costs between $38-$50 per bottle and is available at Total Wine and More. Don't say you never learn anything by reading Jokes From Shaf...