Clever QUICKIES that are pretty good...
Went to the first playoff game against LA last Monday. What a great time! The crowd was loud and really into it, and they saw a great Brewer win that propelled them to a sweep over the favored Dodgers. Playing with a payroll a third of the LA team, as Pat Murphy said, "The gamers beat the Hall of Famers". The city is infected with Brewer fever, and the only cure is a World Series win. I am confident, I hope you are as well. Tickets for the series are in the stratosphere-between 2K-10K for a seat. Would like to go, not sure I want to spend that kind of money though. Still will be fun to watch it on TV, even if I can't be there in person. Maybe a watch party if nothing else.
Will be a bachelor this weekend, as Beautiful Bonnie heads to NYC for an interfaith meeting. She will see MBArry as well for an afternoon. Will it be KFC and pizza for The Chairman?? Probably some not so healthy food, for sure.
The weather is changing. The leaves are changing and starting to drop, it is getting dark by 6pm and there is a chill in the air. Had to even turn the heat on this past weekend. And I will have to bring in all the patio stuff and pull all the flowers out of the pots. Winter is soon ahead.
And what else is going on this past week? Let's take a look at the News and find out...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Trump replaced his Press Secretary with another Stepford Wife blonde, totally unqualified for the job. Now if it this was not a DEI Hire, someone hired on the basis of their physical make up, (looking like his daughter) not qualifications, I do not know what a DEI Hire is. Sadly, she did not even make it one week...
The other big news out of Washington this past week was Trump bending over to help Russia. First by buying diesel, then by turning off Starlink and finally by stopping sanctions. Does anyone doubt the fact that he supports the aggressor, the dictator, Putin in this conflict?...
And Trump still blames Ukrainian President Zelenskky and Biden for everything...the start of the war, an inability to end the war, the price of oil, his sinking popularity...
We are only a few weeks from the midterm elections, where Trump and his cronies will face the choice of the people. Trump is doing all he can to save the GOP's skin, spending boatloads of money, putting out armed "watchers" to intimidate voters, drawing up conspiracies, raising the "Red Scare", and of course, crying fraud and cheating...
Maybe, just maybe, the voters will finally wise up to the policies that Trump has governed with for his time in office and vote his Party out...
The same Party that have their leader urging people in the crowd to beat up someone who is wearing a T-shirt saying something he does not like. Something his MAGA supporters were happy to do. No surprise if you see what else they believe in...
Maybe affordability will be the straw that breaks the GOP's back...
In other World News, Trump is still griping over not getting the Nobel Prize (even though he can't spell it correctly)...
In Sports News, the Packers try to keep their winning ways going as they face a North division foe...
And lastly, the biggest news of the week...THE BREWERS ARE HEADED TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!!! Not sure yet who they face, but they are on a roll after dispatching San Diego and the favorite LA Dodgers...
With all the News covered, the lead off spot goes to a poker buddy who is newly retired from a 40 year practice as an expert rheumatologist, talking about...
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're stting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposd to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
A bunch of quickies from my best source for jokes...
Airport Police say that people smuggling helium ballons in their luggage is under control. However, cases continue to rise.
The energizer Bunny has been arrested, charged with battery
Historians say that Edgar Allen Poe was a dog food salesman before becoming a writer.
He was known as Edger Al Poe.
Street cleaners working below London’s Big Ben have announced they are walking off the job.
They said they are tired of working around the clock.
Authorities are reminding the public the difference between unlawful and illegal.
One is the violation of the law, and the other is a sick bird.
Kieth Richard and Mick Jagger went to a small dinner.
Unfortunately, the chef undercooked the turkey and everyone got sick.
The chef almost killed two Stones with one bird
The readers of Jokes are getting into women's sports...
One for employment lawyer, Platinum Tarks...
During a job interview, the hiring manager asks the candidate: "What one word would your co-workers at your previous position use to describe you?"
The candidate says "Oh, that's easy: Responsible."
"Interesting. Can you elaborate on that?"
"At my last job, every time something went wrong, I was responsible!"
Oldie but goodie...
A woman goes to her doctor to discuss options for breast enlargement.
After discussing the options, she decides that surgery is too risky.
Her doctor, Dr. Smith, says "There is another option, but you have to do it everyday. You'll rub your breasts while saying Eeny Meeny Miny Moe, I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow."
She shrugs it off at first, but after a while she thinks, "Why not? It's free, it's easy and I don't have anything to lose."
She begins doing this everyday and after a couple of weeks, she realizes it's actually working!
She wakes up late one day and has to rush out the door before getting a chance to do her daily ritual.
She catches the bus, and not wanting to risk downsizing, heads to back. She takes a seat, starts rubbing her breasts and very quietly says, "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe, I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow."
A man seated near her sees this, leans over and asks, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith?"
Embarrassed, she sheepishly says, "I am. How did you know?"
The man simply replies "Hickory Dickory Dock..."
Pickup lines gone wrong...
The eternal quandary of Weight Watchers...
Ancient Asian wisdom...
A frustrated Shaolin acolyte walks up to his teacher and tells him, "Master, it has been years now and my technique is not improving. What must I do to be as good as you, Master?"
The older man looks at him with kind eyes and says, "My child, have you ever observed the ants - how they work tirelessly day and night to build something that can be swept away with a single wave of the hand?"
"Yes Master, many times," the young one says.
"Have you ever noticed how, in the fiercest storm, bamboo always bends, but never breaks?"
"Yes Master."
"And have you ever stopped to contemplate the reflection of the full moon in still water?"
"Of course Master, many times."
"Now I see your problem, young one. You keep looking at stupid shit instead of practicing."
A real groaner....
A man goes to the doctor with an unusual issue.
"Doc, listen to my thigh!"
The doc, thinking it's a weird request, does as requested.
What he hears is a voice say, "Please loan me $20."
The doc is perplexed.
The guy says, "My knee too! Listen to my knee!"
Again, the doc honors the request.
This time he hears "All I need is $10!"
The man continues, "It doesn't stop there. My ankle talks too!"
The doc takes a listen and sure enough a voice says, "$5. If you could just give me $5!"
The doc starts thumbing through medical journals and papers, but finds nothing.
Finally, he tells the man, "I can't find any such issue in any medical journals or papers, but I can hazard a guess."
The man, desperate to know what it could be, says "Well, what do you think it is?"
The doc says, "Based off my own medical knowledge and life experience, I'd say your leg is broke in three places!"
Ouch, that hurts...
Some people do make an impression on you...
They quickly start making out, they drop on their knees and take turns sucking him off and licking his asshole. They cheer each other on while he's pounding them in all kinds of crazy positions going back and forth. They even grease up a little gap between their bodies and let him fuck it until all three pass out completely exhausted and satisfied.
A few weeks later the twins walk past the house and one says "we should give that guy a visit again."
And the other replies "I don't know, do you think he still remembers us?"
And finally, this happens in my house ALL the time...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Raanan Hersherg is now based in New York, but was raised as a Conservative Jew in Kentucky. He began as a struggling screenwriter in New York and as a substitute teacher in Kentucky. His career then took off when he performed at Louisville's Caravan Comedy Club. He has performed on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show with James Corden and After Midnight.
He is a regular performer at The Comedy Cellar in Manhattan, and is known for his loud, high-energy, and dry wit mannerisms.
In January 2026, his special Morbidly Jewish: A New Special was released. His specials prior to this were Brave, which was released in February 2025 and satirized the political divide in the U.S., Jokes from the Underground (filmed at New York's Comedy Cellar), and It Could Have Been Better.
He is described as a loud, neurotic Jew, and his stand up shows are called "One of the best one man shows you are likely to see anywhere" by the New York Comedy.com.
Here is Raanan Hershberg doing stand up...
And todays Jewish Joke from your host is called, "Things I Learned From My Bubbe"...
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddush.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
I can hear my mother saying this...