QUICKIES that ask you the differences between two things...
Things back to normal at our house. Drove Rabbi Scott's kids back to Cincinnati and cleaned up the rubble from having two active boys in our place for 2 weeks. It was fun, and we certainly kept them busy. Feel like a need a vacation now. But it was great spending a week with DrJ's kids and then 2 weeks with Scott's boys. Still would like to get to New York this summer as MBArry turns 40 in September.
Thankfully, no new admissions to sick bay from the readers of Jokes, but at this age, everyone is always visiting doctors and getting poked and scanned.
If the heat and smokey air ever cooperates, would like to enjoy some outside time before our brief summer turns into colder temps. Lots of watering being done to keep the plantings alive. And we all know that there is no global warming...normal to have all these mid 90 temps, no snow in winter.
But that's a rant for another day. Let's take a look at this week's News...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
Trump gave a national address to continue his unsubstantiated rant on election fraud. No new evidence was presented to an issue that has been litigated before and every time Trump lost. He is just paving the way for federal control of the midterms, as The Chairman has stated before...
And speaking of explosive diarrhea, Americans are full of abdominal distress due to a cyclospora outbreak due to contaminated lettuce from Taylor Farms...
And to add to American's misery, the Canadian wildfires have caused problems with air quality in the Northern part of the US. The typical Trump response to this...
And while we are on the subject of dumb Trump tweets, this one about Paul McCartney is unbelievable. Such a thin skinned individual we have as President...
Not only thin skinned, but corrupt, as it seems there are always new ways to demonstrate each week on Jokes...
The War in Iran shows no sign of resolution, with more bombing and no plans to open The Strait of Hormuz...
Repairs on the Reflecting Pool are on going. Despite photographic evidence that Trump drove his motorcade over the Pool, he is still blaming terrorists for the problem...
The Republicans are down 2 senators. Lindsey Graham is dead and maybe Mitch McConnell is as well, despite GOP members saying they have had 20 minute conversations with him...
In Entertainment News, The Rolling Stones, most of whom are in their 80s, released a new album this week...
And lastly, Sports News, the World Cup Finals were played between Spain and Argentina with the victory going to Spain. Rabid fans watching the game throughout the world...even a nonsoccer fan like The Chairman got into it...
With all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with you know who in the lead off spot...
Three ducks walk into a bar.” Hello, who are you? “ The barman asks.
The first duck replies, “I’m Huey”
“I bet you are” says the barman “And how has your day been, Huey?”
“Great, Thanks. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?”
“That’s nice.” Says the barman turning to the second duck. “And how are you?”
“Dewey” comes the reply. “And how has your day been, Dewey?” asks the barman.
“Great, Thanks. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?”
The barman then turns to the third duck and says. “So, I bet you must be Louie?”
“NO” she says with a smile. “I’m Puddles”
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m a divorce lawyer.”
He placed four worms in four separate jars
The first worm was put into a jar of Jack Daniels.
The second worm was put into a container filled with cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of Hershey's chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of pure, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
First worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke.....Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup.....Dead.
Fourth worm in clean soil......ALIVE!
So, the Minister asked the congregation, "What does this demonstration teach us?"
A 70 year-old lady sitting in the back raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you'll never get worms."
One from our Denver buddy...
He called a sailor over and said, "Jump off the ship, swim under it, and climb back up."
The sailor promptly saluted, jumped from the flight deck, swam under the ship, climbed back up the davit, then stood before the admiral and saluted.
The Russian admiral said, "That gentleman has courage."
The British admiral replied, "Pfft. That's nothing."
He called over a petty officer and said, "I want you to jump off the bow, swim under the ship to the stern, and then return."
The petty officer saluted, jumped from the bow, swam to the stern, climbed back aboard, and stood before the admiral, saluting smartly.
The British admiral said, "Gentlemen, that is courage."
The American admiral said, "That's nothing. Sailor, come here."
A lowly seaman stepped forward, came to attention, and saluted.
The admiral said, "I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the ship from bow to stern, then from beam to beam, climb back up the mast, and do it all again."
The seaman looked at the admiral and said, "You're freaking crazy. Fuck off, sir."
The American admiral turned to the other two and said, "That, gentlemen, is courage."
Words of wisdom...
This is a groaner...
A tourist group is walking around an old Western town, back in the days before cell phones. They’re seeing the sights, having a good time, but eventually, they realize they have to head back to their bus soon, but no one knows what time it is. They see an old man, sitting quietly in the shade, next to a donkey. One of the tour group walks over and asks “Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”
The old man reaches up, lifts the donkey’s testicles, and says “1:33”.
The tourist is flabbergasted, and runs back to the group, telling them what he just witnessed. Another man doubts his story, and decides to see for himself. He goes over and asks “excuse me, do you have the time?”
Once again, the old man reaches up, lifts the donkey’s testicles, and says “1:35”.
The man runs back to the group, completely shocked. Finally, another man walks over and says “excuse me, sir? How do you do that?”
The old man looks up at him, and then beckons him down to his level. He then reaches up, lifts up the donkey’s testicles, and points.
“Clock tower.”
Clever guy..
A local church was having a poetry contest organised by pastor Tim, with the rules that the judges would pick a word and contestants had to come up with a rhyme on the spot.
A local man named Eric, who was neighbours with pastor Tim entered the contest. Eric was not exactly on good terms with Tim as they had been disputing property lines for some time. Tim was sure that Eric couldn't possibly succeed when he gave him the word "Timbuktu".
Eric thought for a while and then spoke:
To a whorehouse in Kent
Tim and I went
Three available hookers they sent
After a chat we decided what to do
I bucked one and Tim bucked two
Another one from my best source...
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says to his wife. “Dear there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our ninth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been wonderful, and your answer cannot take any of that away.
But I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head , unable to look her husband in the eyes, she paused for a moment and confessed. “yes, he did.”
The man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder that he expected.
With a tear in his eye, he asks, “Who? Who was he?
Who was the father?”
The old women drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
The finally , she says
“YOU”
Is it true?...
Oldie but goodie...
"I have your order for 25 gallons of milk," he says. "Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde says, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The DoorDash guy says, "Oh, okay. Do you want it pasteurized?"
And the blonde says "No, just up to my tits."
This one is an oldie too...
He tells her to rub her chest and say, "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow."
She shrugs this off and leaves the office.
After thinking a while she thinks, "Why not? it's free and easy, what do I have to lose?" So, every morning before work: "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow."
After a few weeks it begins to work! She is thrilled.
She wakes late one morning, and with no time for her daily mantra, rushes to catch the bus. She doesn't want to miss a day....so she goes to the back of the bus and whispers while rubbing her chest, "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow grow."
A man leans over to her and asks, "Excuse me. Are you a patient of Dr. Sultan??"
Embarrassed, she says, "Yes. Why do you ask?"
And the guy says, "Hickory Dickory Dock..."
Don't you hate autocorrect?..
A woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.
The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps test the product, she'll get the product for free.
So she tries it out. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken [flap your arms like a chicken], giving her a larger bust.
She decides to go out to a bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms [flap your arms like a chicken] and says "Haven't I seen you here before?"
"No," says, the guy [furiously open and close your knees], "But I think we go to the same doctor."
And finally, you know this is true...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Today on the Jewish Jokes page, a look at Jewish last names. Here is a list of some common Jewish last names and their meanings. Some of these might surprise you!
Abrams: from the Biblical patriarch Abraham, who moved from what is today Iraq to Israel
Abramson: a patronymic name (from one’s father) meaning son of Abraham
Becker: Germanic name for baker, refers to an ancestor who was a Jewish baker
Blau: meaning blue, this name reflects the popularity of colors as surnames among German-speaking Jews
Blum: from the Jewish woman’s name Bluma, meaning “flower” in Yiddish
Cantor: one who sings in a synagogue (Chazzan in Hebrew)
Cohen: from the priestly caste who served in the Jewish Temple in ancient times
Cooperman: Cooper is a form of the Yiddish nickname Yankel, meaning Jacob
Diamond: this name reflects the popularity of using beautiful gems as surnames among German-speaking Jews
Ehrlich: a name bestowed in the Austro-Hungarian Empire meaning “honest”
Eisen: meaning “iron”, it was a popular choice for Austrian Jews
Elkayim: this Middle Eastern Jewish name refers to a family profession and means tentmaker
Fingerhut: from the Yiddish word for “thimble”, this name refers to an ancestor who was a tailor
Fishman: this name means fish-seller, and refers to a family’s profession
Gelb: Like Geller, this name means yellow in Yiddish, and was often given to people with light hair
Geller: Yiddish for yellow, this name was often given to people with lighter or reddish hair
Gold: many German-speaking Jews adopted the names of precious metals, like gold, as names
Goldberg: this name refers to the towns of Goldberg in Germany and/or in Poland, both once home to Jewish communities. The name means “golden town”.
Goldman: a popular choice among Austrian Jews for its beautiful connotation “gold” and “man”
Goldschmidt: this Germanic name refers to an ancestor who worked as a goldsmith
Green: adopting colors as surnames was popular among Austro-Hungarian Jews
Greenberg: referring to the towns of Grunberg in Germany and Poland, both once home to Jewish communities
Hakimi: this Persian surname is derived from the Arabic “Hakim” meaning wise
Horowitz: referring to the town of Horovice in the Czech Republic, once home to a Jewish community
Kaplan: a Germanic form of Cohen, the priestly workers who served in the Temple in Jerusalem
Katz: acronym of “Kohen Tzedek”, or “righteous Cohen”, one who served in the Temple in Jerusalem
Kauffman: a form of the Yiddish nickname Yankel (meaning Jacob) plus the German for man
Koppelman: derived from Koppel, a Yiddish nickname for Jacob, plus the German suffix “man”
Koval: this Slavic name refers to an ancestor who was a blacksmith
Kravitz: this name recalls an ancestor’s occupation, and is a Slavic version of the word tailor
Leib: meaning lion, this name refers to the Jewish name Yehuda, who was compared to a lion (Gen. 49:9)
Levi/Levy: of the Tribe of Levi, descendants of Moses’ brother Aaron; members worked in the Temple
Levin: derived from Levi – members of the Tribe of Levi who served in the Temple in Jerusalem
Lieberman: a nickname adopted by some Jewish families, meaning “dear man”
Maggid: from the Hebrew for teaching, refers to an ancestor who was a scholar and teacher
Margolis: meaning “pearl” in Hebrew, it often reflects a mother’s first name
Maze: an acronym – “M’zera Aharon Hakohen” – from the seed of Aaron the High Priest
Melamed: from the Hebrew for teacher, referring to an ancestor who was a teacher
Mizrahi: meaning “Easterner” in Hebrew, this name refers to families from the Middle East
Nudel: meaning needle, this name reflects an ancestor’s occupation as tailor
Perlman: husband of Perl (a common Jewish woman’s name in Eastern Europe)
Portnoy: this name refers to an occupation – it means “tailor” in Russian
Rabin: from the Hebrew word Rabbi, this name could refer to a rabbinic ancestor
Rabinowitz: a Slavic name meaning “son of Rabbi”
Rivkin: a matronymic (deriving from one’s mother) name, from Rebecca
Rivlin: derived from the name Rebecca, the Jewish matriarch who married Isaac
Roth: meaning red, this name reflects the popularity of colors as surnames among German-speaking Jews
Rothschild: this prominent family’s name pre-dates the forced adoption of surnames, and refers to the “red sign” (the meaning of the name) that graced the family’s home
Sas: an acronym of “sofer stam,” a writer of religious texts
Sasson: a matronymic name (derived from one’s mother) meaning Shoshana, “rose” in Hebrew
Sebag: this name refers to the profession of a long-ago ancestor, it means dyer
Schechter: from the Hebrew for butcher, one who slaughters animals according to Jewish law
Schneider: a Germanic name meaning tailor, reflecting one’s ancestor’s profession as tailor
Schreiber - from the Hebrew “sofer”, a writer of religious texts
Schwartz: this means black – many German speaking Jews adopted colors as surnames
Segal: a common name for members of the tribe of Levi, Segal is an acronym – “Segan Lekehunah”, or “second to the Cohen”, referring to working in the ancient Temple in Jerusalem
Shapiro: referring to the town of Speyer, in Germany, once home to a Jewish community
Singer: referring to an ancestor who sang in a synagogue as a cantor
Shamash: reflecting an ancestor’s occupation, this means one who worked in a synagogue
Shulman: “shul” means synagogue in Yiddish – this name was adopted by some caretakers of synagogues as a surname
Soros: from the Hebrew name Sarah, meaning “princess”
Stern: meaning “star”, many Austrian Jews thought this a beautiful name to choose
Weiss: meaning white, this name reflects the practice of adopting colors as surnames among German-speaking Jews
Weinberg: referring to any of various places in Europe which once were home to thriving Jewish communities, including the region of Mt. Weinberg in Westphalia, Germany, or towns named Weinberg in Germany, the Czech Republic or Poland
Wexler: Germanic form of moneychanger, one of the occupations to which Jews were restricted.
And a couple of videos about Jewish names that you might find interesting...
And todays Jewish Joke looks at the Top 20 things they did not teach you in Hebrew School...
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida
Doesn't it seem that so many people are reading this book lately?...