These QUICKIES will surely make you groan...
Lots of work in the yard for The Chairman and Beautiful Bonnie over the holiday weekend, but got it done! All the plant bed are filled, all the planters are full. Flowers, tomato plants, and herbs are all doing well. I think I must have schlepped 15 bags of dirt and 10-50 pound bags of rock for the planting beds. I guess the time to strengthen my back and core muscles that I put in at Form and Fitness twice a week has helped.
In Sick Bay, glad to report that The Waiter's back and Platinum Tarks recent maladies seem to be much better. Not sure I can say the same about The Snipers plantar fasciitis, as he is still hobbling around. Hope he is better in a few weeks as he and Luscious Lori celebrate their 50th anniversary with a trip to Charleston. And hopefully a fast recovery to poker pal, ChipMan, who is doing well after his total knee procedure of the past week. No driving for a couple of months, but he has a great partner in wife Kate, who will chauffeur him around.
Getting closer to the NBA Draft on June 23, with no resolution to the Giannis problem as of yet. Still think he will be playing elsewhere next season. And how about those Brewers?? They seem to have the magic touch to find and develop pitching to keep them in most games. Now if they only could trade for a home run bat to play 3rd base. Maybe they need to bring up the number one minor league prospect, Jesus Made, to fill the gaping line up hole at short. We will see, but they do make summer baseball watching fun.
And what else is going on this week? Let's check it out...
THIS WEEK'S NEWS AND JOKES...
To start off the News, President Trump settled his suit against the government for unauthorized release of his taxes. His personal lawyer, now Attorney General, granted him a 1.8 billion dollar slush fund for him to administer to those he considered wronged by the "weaponization of the government"...
The idea that those who stormed the Capital on January 6 were getting pardoned was abhorrent to most people, but now the idea that those who assaulted police and defecated on Capital furniture are now entitled to compensation is unbelievable...
The thought that there are people in Congress that would go along with this, shows how broken the government really is...
And the cherry on the cake of the settlement is the stipulation that the government is barred from investigating Trump and his family for any of his many stock transactions while in office or any other tax related issues...FOREVER!!!...
Add to this, now using the Justice Department to go after E. Jean Carroll, you can see how corrupt Washington has become...
Trump went to China with a host of business leaders. While he said the meetings were very productive, nothing was done to help the Iran situation and there were no trade deals announced. Trump's lukewarm position on Taiwan provided that country no reassurance...
The ceasefire in Iran is very tenuous, as the latest peace proposal is being considered...
As America nears its 250th birthday, Trump is erecting an arena for an MMA fight and is pushing the creation of a new $250 bill, of course with his picture on it, which would be a first...
The dignity of the Presidential office is gone. It has turned into a big money grab for Trump, his family, and wealthy friends...
And if you look and see what he has said and done, and the example he has set for our kids, you can see what bad shape we are now in...
Congress is no better. Between gerrymandering to strip Blacks of representation and justifying the ability of Congressmen to trade stock on companies they oversee, the place is a den of thieves...
The issue of "affordability" remains at the forefront for most Americans, as the cost of gas, medicine and food continues to rise...
In Medical News, Trump continues to say that his check ups at Walter Reed Hospital show that he is in perfect health, although the pictures we see on TV argue otherwise...
And lastly, CBS pulled the plug on "The Late Show With Stephen Colbert", knuckling under to pressure from Trump to take him off the air...
Now with all the News covered, we kick off the Jokes with a few punny ones from my most reliable source of jokes, talking about...
What do you call angry Doctor?
A therapissed
Not everyone thinks that Cleopatra is beautiful
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
What is a horses’ wine?
Chardonneigh
I have heard there is some bad lettuce going around.
Everyone must Romain Calm.
A Wisconsin man has tragically died last night after watching too many adult films.
Officials have confirmed the cause of death to be Multiple strokes.
What’s The difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment the other oinkment
Why don’t thieves burgle politicians’ homes?
Professional courtesy
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me.
Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil
Juan and Amal are identical twins but their mother only caries one photo.
Once you seen Juan you’ve see Amal.
Mr. Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams.
Unfortunately, Tess as reluctant to take his last name.
The latest Flintstone film has debuted in the UAE.
Early reviews suggest audiences in Dubai didn’t like it.
But Abu Dhabi Do.
An oldie but goodie that will make you laugh, for our pal, DicDoc...
An American tourist went on a trip to China. While there he was very sexually promiscuous and didn't use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States he woke one morning to find his tool covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and told the man to return in two days. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looked perplexed and said, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answered, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screamed, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replied, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his tool and proclaimed, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy said to the doctor, "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool."
The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. "Stupid American doctors, always want to operate. They make more money that way. No need to operate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replied.
"Yes" said the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money."
A bunch of quickies..
He was well hung.
Another one...
"Thank you! Cum again!"
And one more...
I guess they were escapeas
And one to finish up...
Balan Singh
This is a real groaner, from our pal in Denver...
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
I feel terrible, he explained. I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to the car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
The doctor needs to speak clearly to get his message across...
At least you can tell this one in mixed company...
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” The man says, “That's odd. I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
Another nurse goes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” The second man laughs and says, “That's weird. I work for the 3M company!”
A third nurse goes up the third man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!” He says, “That's strange. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
As soon as he says that, the last man starts groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
The man says, “I work for 7Up.”
Another situation of poor doctor communication...
A woman went to the doctor and said, "I'm getting too much discharge."
The doctor said, "Take your panties off and slip onto the bed.”
He put on his latex gloves and slipped 2 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asked.
“Fucking lovely,” she replied. “But the discharge is in my ear.”
Think about it if you didn't get it, from the Joke King...
I went to the Doctor today and told the nurse I got bit by a wolf.
She asked where?
I said no, regular.
She stared at me for 10 minutes.
Now that is an exercise I can get into...
It pays to check the details...
The other monks, hearing his anguished cries, rush to him, anxious to find out what's wrong. "My brother," says the lead monk. "What is wrong? What has caused you such immense pain and despair?"
The monk looks up with his tear-streaked face. "I was just reviewing the sacred texts," he explains.
"It says celebrate! CEL-E-BRATE, not CEL-I-BATE!!!"
Another oldie but goodie that still makes me laugh...
He replied, "When I was a young boy, I had kneasles."
She says, "Kneasles? Don't you mean measles?".
He confirmed it was kneasles and continued undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks down at his feet. Before her eyes were the most disgusting feet she had ever seen. Long yellow toenails, toes deformed and curling over one another and covered in hair. She yells out louder this time, "Oh my goodness, what happened to your feet?".
He calmly explains that also when he was a boy, he had contracted toelio.
The woman smirks, "Toelio, surely you mean polio?".
The man simply says, "No, it was definitely toelio."
Finally, at last, the man removes his underwear, the woman looks down and smiles, "I see you had a case of smallcox too"
Imagine that, two potato chip jokes in one Update...
So a guy is playing golf with his wife. They're on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods.
He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. It's in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.
He takes a good look, and says, "Listen honey, I think if you hold the barn door open, I can hit the ball right through the barn and onto the green!"
So his wife goes over and holds the door open. Guy takes a four-iron and whack! hits the ball. The ball hits his wife right between the eyes, killing her instantly.
Well, it's a year later, and the guy is on the same golf course with his new wife. They're on the 12th hole and, once again, he hits a slice into the woods.
Shaking his head with disgust, he heads into the woods.
Sure enough, his ball is in about the same spot. Sadly, he takes out a seven-iron and lines up to hit the ball sideways back onto the fairway.
Before he can take the shot, his new wife says, "Honey, you know ... I think I might be able to hold the barn door open for you. That way, you can hit the ball through the barn and onto the green."
The guy just shakes his head. "No way, dear," he says. "I tried that last year ... and ended up with a 9 on the hole."
And finally, a mistake that you might make...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
Twitter, launched in 2006 by Jack Dorsey and his colleagues, is a microblogging platform that has significantly impacted modern communication practices. Originally designed for internal use, it quickly gained popularity and, within three years, amassed one billion posts. By 2023, Twitter boasted around 450 million monthly users, sharing a diverse range of content from personal updates to breaking news. The platform is characterized by its brevity, initially limiting posts to 140 characters to accommodate SMS technology, a limit which was later doubled to 280 characters. Twitter introduced the hashtag, a feature that revolutionized the way users categorize and retrieve information, facilitating real-time communication and news dissemination.
The platform has also reshaped journalistic practices, allowing both citizen and professional journalists to engage audiences directly and report news as it unfolds. However, it faces challenges related to misinformation and the spreading of harmful content. The acquisition of Twitter by Elon Musk in 2022, which included a rebranding to X in 2023 and changes in content moderation policies, has further complicated its role in social media. Despite these challenges, Twitter remains a crucial tool for real-time information sharing and public discourse, influencing both personal branding and the landscape of digital communication.
How does that fit into the "Jewish Jokes" category? Well here are two videos that should make it clear. The first looks at Twittelah, an app that your Jewish mother would like you to have, and the second looks at the world of Kosher phones, which you Chabad buddies would like you to have...
And todays Jewish Joke takes a look at a spin off of the "Survivor" TV series, just for Jews...
16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom co-op on the Upper West Side of New York.
Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets
$1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59).
The Rules:
1. No maid service.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food from take-out or delivery which includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. No calls to mother for women, office for men.
6. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or subway no limos or cabs.
7. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats
no designer labels.
8. Zabars is off limits.
9. No Jewish geography.
10. No, NY Times - Only, NY Post or NY Daily News.
11. No Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Lands End or William Sonoma catalogs.
12. Only one phoneline for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes. No cell phones.
13. Maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe, without help from any gentile.
14. All therapy sessions suspended.
15. No consulting with attorneys.
Only problem: We hear there have been no applicants as yet.
I don't think this is what the rabbis intended...