Jokes From Shaf
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September 2, 2025
Update 1207
Next Update
SEPTEMBER 16, 2025
(1 week off for Vegas 31)
WHAT WE DID IN VEGAS UPDATE
Old lady in the wind
In the middle of a fierce windstorm today, I walked by an old lady. She was using both hands to hold a hat on her head. I noticed her dress was also blowing around and it occasionally flew up so much that her entire lower body was visible. I said, "Ma'am, you really should hold your dress down in this wind. You're being exposed to view!"
She looked at me and said, "Anything down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
What does a lawyer order to drink?
Just ice
Why did the elephant lawyer lose his case?
Because his argument was irrelephant
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi
8 vowels, 11 consonants, an exclamation point, and a comma walk into a courtroom.
They are to be sentenced next week.
Why didn’t the lawyer make coffee?
There were insufficient grounds.
What is a personal injury lawyer’s favorite dessert?
A tort
Some marital advice from The Chairman...
We still have not seen the Epstein Files, and now the justification is that Trump does not want to hurt people's feelings. Yeah, like he really cares about others...
To finish up the News, a couple of bits of Business News. As we get to the fall, everywhere you look you see Pumpkin Spice this or that...
Trump...Trump...Trump. I know, you are getting as tired hearing about him as I am writing about him, but he influences our lives now and for years to come in so many ways. And his judgement is just so wrong...
And the promised new Randy Rainbow video...
But Trump has no filter. He says whatever he wants and is surrounded by "Yes Men" who agree with all his "Project 2025" plans...
One a smart investor like VEGAS Boy, The Czar of The Cigar, will like...
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.
After a long life together, the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made the first contact:
W : "Darling... Darling"
H : "Is that you Baby ?"
W : "Yes, I've come back like we agreed"
H : "That's wonderful !!! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"
W : "Well, as soon as I get up in the morning, I have sex with a man. After sex and breakfast it's off to the golf course. Thereafter I bathe in the warm sun and have sex a couple of more times with two different guys.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). After lunch, it's back to the ground again.
Then it's more sex with different men until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
H : is that how you imagined heaven?
W : Heaven? I reincarnated as a goat somewhere in pakistan..
Makes sense, if you think about it...
And one of the poorest designs for a pool float I have ever seen...
But as usual, MAGA supporters don't care...
The National Guard is patrolling Washington, not in the high crime areas, just where the elite are walking around and going to shop and eat. They have nothing to do so they are doing grounds clean up around the Washington area...
Little Johnny joke from ....
So with all the NEWS covered, the lead off spot goes to a VEGAS Boy who was not able to join us last year due to neck surgery, but will be there this year. Legal jokes that Platinum Tarks always likes, from his VEGAS pal ...
Interesting technique...
And do you hear anything from Trump about a school shooting in a Blue State? He is too busy commenting on the change of the Cracker Barrel logo...
And finally, one for VEGAS Boy, The Cap'n, a real do-it yourselfer...
Some medical QUICKIES for this week's UPDATE...
You might think that ONE Republican would speak out against ANY Trump policies, but there are none that remain in office...
Increase/decrease
A young lady out on a first date got sweet talked by the guy into coming to his apartment to see his etchings.
After the viewing, they got into a little physical getting to know you, and soon they ended up in the bedroom.
The lady was all undressed and waiting for the action. When the guy stripped, she burst out laughing at his 2 inch penis and said, "Is that all you've got?"
"What, you want more?" he asked, and when she nodded, he clapped his hands. At each clap, his dick (now no longer a penis) increased in size by two inches.
Stupefied, the lady just watched as it grew to 18 inches. Suddenly, she realised what was getting ready to impale her and she started pleading, "Too big! Make it go down."
"Okay," said the guy, and started to snap his fingers. With each snap, it went down by two inches.
When it got to a reasonable eight inches, the lady invited him aboard, and he duly inserted his now reduced dick into her. Once in, he just lay there on top of her.
"Well," she exclaimed, "are you just going to lay there? Aren't you going to move in me or something?"
The guy replied, "Well, if you insist ..."
Snap, clap, snap, clap, snap, clap ....
The answer to a question you have long wondered about...
A blonde joke from the VEGAS Boy that all the strippers love to talk to about their "professional" problems, none other than ...
Little Johnny was at school when his teacher asked the class, “Lisa, what did you do last weekend?”
Lisa replied’ “I went fro a ride on a choo choo train”.
“That’s fantastic’ replied the teacher. “But you need to use grown up words. Next time just say train, not choo choo train.”
Mickey, what did you do last weekend?”
I went to Granny and Grampy’s house, he said.”
“Lovely” replied the teacher, but remember to use grown up words, Grandma and Grandpa.”
“Jonny, what did you do last weekend? And remember to use grown up words”.
Jonny said “I read a book.”
“Excellent, What was the book?” asked the teacher.
Little Johnny replies, Whinny the Shit”
Boss wanted sex with his Secretary...
Saying that it would be very fast. He told her that he would drop $1000 on the floor and by the time she bent down to pick it up, he would be done. She thought for a moment and called her boyfriend to tell the story.
Her boy friend said, "Ask for $2000 and pick up the money very fast, he wouldnt even get time to get undressed."
She agress.
Half an hour later, the bf decides to call to ask her what happened.
She replied, "That... Mother fucker... Used... Pennies..."
A young blond (Melba) was on vacation in New Iberia. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the price the local merchant, Thibodeaux, was asking.
After being very frustrated with the "no hassle" attitude by the merchants, Melba shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
Thibodeaux said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one."
Determined, the blonde turned and headed toward the swamp on Marsh Island in a motorboat she had rented, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day Thibodeaux was going to a state camp on Marsh Island when he spotted the young blonde standing waist-deep in water, shotgun in hand. just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward the blonde. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The storekeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouted, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Oldie but goodie for a guy we will miss this year in VEGAS, DicDoc...
And his VP is just as bad...
A man has a terrible accident at work and is rushed into hospital with a severed penis.
Once he's out of danger the consultant urologist comes in to talk to the man about what happens next. "You'll be pleased to know that reconstructive surgery can do amazing things these days. We can put your equipment back into working order and you'll be able to enjoy full marital relations again."
"Is it very expensive?" asks the man.
"It will cost you $1000 per inch," says the urologist, "and in fact we have seen your workplace insurance and you're covered for $15,000. Now we think you had better talk this over with your wife, because if she is used to 6", then 15" would be too much, whereas if she's used to 15", then 6" would be very disappointing."
"All right, I'll call her," says the man. "Could you give me ten minutes for a private conversation?"
"Of course," says the consultant. He leaves while the man is on the phone, and then comes back and asks, "Have you reached a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"And?"
"...We're having granite countertops."
The best "layed" plans...
Don't pass out! A joke from ...
A reporter asks a billionaire how he earned he wealth
Here's the billionaire's response:
A long time ago, I had absolutely nothing but a penny. So I took that penny and bought a pencil from the corner store. Sold it to my classmate for two cents. Then I bought two pencils, sold them for four cents. Two became four, four became eight, then sixteen, then thirty-two... until I had $20.48.
That's when my father had a massive heart attack, and I inherited $47 billion.
The way women think
Husband’s Message (by mobile phone):
Darling, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who is Paula?
How true is this? It is for me...
Trump even violates his own edicts, like making desecration of the flag a felony...
You can only hope he is listening to RFK Jr. for medical advice...
So that's all for the preVEGAS Update of Jokes From Shaf.
In two weeks, a WHAT DID WE DO IN VEGAS UPDATE
You know you want to catch that one
Another day, another school shooting, this time in Minneapolis. Do we ban assault weapons and hi capacity magazines? Nope! Just the old platitudes for a problem that is only seen in gun happy America...
This is the annual VEGAS UPDATE, as the Vegas Boys head off for the 31st VEGAS Trip (really, it is the 33rd year, we missed one for Covid and did a pseudo VEGAS Trip the next year, renting a home in Portage for the guys who could make it). There is no doubt that all 11 of the VEGAS Boys look forward to this trip for the entire year. It's not the gambling, as many guys do not gamble at all. It's not smoking cigars, as one third of the guys do not partake. We don't do buffets or share rooms. What we DO is have a nightly cocktail hour that is full of laughs and stories, we eat great food The Waiter plans for us, see outstanding talent in shows that only VEGAS could put on, and just enjoy the company of great friends. Some of the guys did not know each other before the trip, but over the course of so many years, we have become friends that you know you could rely on. The laughs, the friendship, just being away with no cares in the world are the things that bring us back year after year. And you would think that The Chairman, a fairly good poker player, would have many stories of casino victory. Not so fast, in the 31 trips I have only won twice, and not that much either. But I still come back and that fact has not swayed me from returning one bit. As I say when we take the tram from the airport..."I Love This Town". And another great trip is only a few days from now.
So this week, a bit of a different VEGAS Update, a look at VEGAS IN THE MOVIES. Will take a week off after Vegas to recover, so no Update until September 16. Enjoy this one.
And let's get right to all the News of The Week...
September 2, 2025
Just like the girls at the bars in Bellagio think you are so cute...
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