Today's Joke

Jokes From Shaf

Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissions to go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.

Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:

jokes@jokesfromshaf.com

and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.

Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.

July 15, 2025

Update 1200

Next Update

July 22, 2025

CARS UPDATE

Another clergy joke...

Trump has now pushed forward the "Project 2025" manifesto with the passing of his "Big Beautiful Bill" in Congress...

Today is a landmark Update of Jokes From Shaf, the 1200th Update!!! Starting from an idea that was thrown out after a number of Long Island Iced Teas at an early Vegas Trip, The Chairman began with multiple Updates a week, then settled down to a more manageable schedule of weekly Updates. Certainly appreciate the emails I get from the readers when they enjoy an Update, and also appreciate the jokes that some of you send in (could be more from the slackers out there who read but never send jokes in). Certainly takes a while each week to do the Updates, but in retirement, it is fun to do and I know it gives my friends a laugh. Hopefully will have more Updates to provide in the years ahead.

Heard that fellow Vegas Boy, The Don, is going in for prostate surgery. Not cancerous, thank goodness. Wish him a speedy recovery and glad to know he is still planning on joining The Boys in Vegas this year for #31.

Glad to report that Cardiologist Kenny is out of the hospital and back at work after a mysterious GI malady. Tough way to lose weight!

Went to the Brewers game this week, being treated by The Waiter. Great game, which the Brewers came from behind to win and great company. Took advantage of the senior citizen rate they have for many day games which made the ticket prices 50% off. Check out those games, it is a great deal.

And what about Giannis? Will he stay or will he go? The Chairman thinks he will still be a Buck for the next season and that GM Jon Horst still has a few aces to pull from his sleeve. We will see.

And what else is going on? Let's take a look at this week's News...

In Medical News, Baron Trump was diagnosed with a medical problem for which there is no cure...

You KNOW this is true...

"I will get the Wraskly Wrabbit"...

Great commentary on those who refuse to get the Covid shot...

But if you look closely, an early warning of an upcoming disaster was available...

In Entertainment News, a new "Superman" movie opens this week. The promotion of the film included a drone show over the arch in St. Louis, but the message that people got was a bit off...

And finally, a sad bit of news to report...

Speaking of sex drive...

A elderly man goes to the Doctor and asks if he can lower his sex drive.

The Doctor says you are almost a 100 years old, how high is it.

The man replies it is all in my head and I want it lowered to my crotch.

A few more librarian jokes...

The rest of us see it differently...

Talk about libido...

And if there was no Epstein and no pedophilia, what is Ghislaine Maxwell doing in prison??? Do I see a Presidential pardon on the way?...

and my son, DrJ, ran his 5th marathon. Yes, that is him crossing the finish line, the lone runner who runs marathons barefoot. He has data to show this is better for you, but I think he is nuts...

I went to the library and asked if they had the self help book for men with small penises. She went to the computer and clickety clacked.

"Hmm, I don't think it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one."

In other National News, Elon Musk is planning to start a third political party. Wonder what the platform of this group will be?...

If these QUICKIES don't make you groan, none ever will...

When Trump was asked about the entire Epstein affair, his response was anger and saying...

And lastly, a couple of items in Sports News...if you think the NCAA has the NIL mess under control, take the case of ex UW basketball player, A. J. Storr...

We all remember the 1-ply type we had during Covid...

A book that DicDoc has in his medical library...

In Business News, that company that floods your Twitter feed with cheap junk from China has been stuck by a devastating fire that destroyed their warehouses...

Priest is feeling horny. Goes to alcove in church near a window and has a tug. Just as he is coming he sees a flash outside the window. Looks out. Sees a guy with a camera.

He composes himself. Runs outside and says to the man. I’ll buy the film from you, how much?

The man says no, you will buy the camera for $2000

Priest thinks a while and says ok. Pays him.

Another priest sees him with the camera and says Wow. What a beauty. How much did that cost?

Answer: $2000.

Other priest says boy he must have seen you coming!

A guy goes to see his shrink and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. My libido is way out of control. I have sex with my wife two or three times a day."

"Well, that's certainly a lot, but it shouldn't hurt you.*

*But that's not all. At work, I have this really cute secretary, and we have sex two or three times a day."

"Okay, that might be getting a bit excessive. You should...."

"But there's more. I also have a girlfriend, and we have sex two or three times a day."

"For crying out loud, man! What the hell is wrong with you? Get a hold of yourself!"

"I do," says the man. "Two or three times a day."

Might have heard this one before...

None of that seems to matter to Trump or to those who support his policies. They see him as an all knowing savior...

Matchmaking advice, from ...

I asked the librarian where the self-help books were. She said "I could tell you, but that would defeat the whole point".

and...

My Dick was in the Guinness Book of Records. I guess that’s why the Librarian was yelling!

and one more...

A blonde goes into a library, walks up to the librarian, and says "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Diet Coke."

The librarian says "Ma'am, this is a library!"

The blonde says "Oh, sorry!", leans forward, and whispers...

"I'll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Diet Coke."

A priest is giving confessional, when he suddenly feels an overwhelming urge to pee. He really needs to go to the bathroom, but he can't leave the booth unattended. So he peeks out the door and sees a janitor sweeping the floor, and calls him over.

"Listen, buddy, I really, really need to go to the bathroom. Can you cover for me for a few minutes?"

"What? I can't do that! I'm not a priest! I have no idea how to do confessions!"

"It's easy. There's a little book in here that lists all the sins and their penances. Just when somebody tells you their sin, look it up in the book, and assign penance accordingly. Please, buddy, I'm begging you!'

"Okay, I guess I'll give it a try."

The priest makes a mad dash for the bathroom, and the janitor takes his place in the booth. Soon, a congregant enters the other side of the booth and a speaks.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain."

The janitor looks in the book under "Swearing", and reads the penance. "You must say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers." The congregant thanks him and leaves. In walks another penitent.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I ran over somebody with my car, twice."

The janitor looks in the book under "Vehicular Homicide" and again read the penance. "You must say ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers." Again, the penitent thanks him and leaves, and again somebody else takes his place.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex."

The janitor looks in the book under "Anal Sex" but it isn't there. He tries again under "Sex, Anal" and it isn't there either. The penitent is waiting for a reply, and the janitor has no idea what to say. In desperation, he peeks outside the booth and sees an altar boy, and calls out to him. "You there, boy! What does the priest give for anal sex?"

The altar boy looks at him quizzically. "Well, two Twinkies and a glass of milk, usually."

A Man goes to visit his Grandfather at the old age home.

“How is everything “asks the man.

“Feeling great” says the old Man

“What’s the food Like?”

“Terrific and the staff couldn’t be better”.

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No Problem” says the Grandfather.

Every night at ten they bring a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by what he just heard and rushes off to question the head administrator.

“What are you doing giving my 95-year-old Grandfather a Viagra pill on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh yes” answers the administrator. “It works wonderfully. The hot chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!”

Being a Red State, Trump's said the Federal government would provide aid, even if he did not spring into action...

What a bungled cover up this is...

This week, the first rural medical center, the Curtis Medical Center in McCook, Nebraska is closing due to the anticipated cuts in Medicaid, which funds the majority of their population...

with some Dad jokes...

July 15, 2025

"All good ideas", say Trump's fellow Republicans in Congress...

Variations on a theme...

Looks like a set up for another National Treasure movie with Nicolas Cage...

So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to my best source for jokes, week in and week out, my fellow Vegas Boy, ...

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.

Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out.

Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman: "Buy a television."

Well, who else to start off the News than our President, Donald J. Trump...

Another week, another crisis to deal with, this time the flooding in Texas, and the perceived lack of warning that the Texans got...

Regrettably, the scientist who pioneered the concept of wind chill has passed away

…he was 86, but he felt like 75

And if you thought the ideas in the BBB were shitty, wait until you see what he has in store for the future...

Two men and and woman are stranded on an island.

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred …

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois, so, no problems.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian girl, and started swimming (sorry, guys, and thats not true: your girls are beautiful !).

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery, as they discovered they can make some splendid coconut whiskey. They sell ist to everone except the English.