Jokes From Shaf
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January 28, 2025
Update 1184
IN CALIFORNIA FOR A MONTH
Next Update
March 11, 2025
BLOOPERS UPDATE
Can't tell who is who? Just remember...
Trump also reversed his position on Tik-Tok, saying that he would not ban it at this time...
The NFL Playoffs are continuing without any teams from the supposedly toughest division, the NFC North...
You guys heard Tesla are making massive recalls?
A new update means the sat nav keep telling everyone to take the third reich at the roundabout through Poland
And if those were not crazy enough ideas, here are a couple of equally crazy ideas that come from local
legislators. First, a Mississippi politician came up with a new law that penalizes men for masturbation, arguing that semen is just for procreation and that there should be fines ($1000 first instance, $5000 second and $10000 the third) for men who violate that principle...
Some quickies for this week...
Those cut names you get from your girlfriend may have a hidden meaning to them...
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately however, they had both been admitted to a nursing home, and their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we have been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought and I just can't remember it. Please tell me what your name it."
Her friend glared at her. She said nothing and just stared and glared at her for at least five minutes.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Motor bike accident
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
Sad news on a broken relationship...
never disappoints for a joke...
Well this is the last Update for about a month, as The Chairman takes a winter break to see DrJ and family. Hopefully, there is enough good stuff here to keep you amused for part of that time, and
maybe you can use the time to start sending some material The Chairman's way. Other than Big Al,
The Sultan and occassionally, The Sniper, the readers of Jokes have been lacking in sending any
good humor along. Makes it much more difficult to do Updates when I have to go scrounging for Jokes all through the web. So help me out and get in the habit of forwarding some good stuff that your friends send you along to me. Make it your New Years Resolution. With almost 1200 Updates in, finding new stuff is not easy.
Hope at the end of the next month I will not have to report on anyone in Sick Bay, and those like The Sultan and Big Al, who are recovering from surgeries, continue on the path to full recovery, as they seem to be doing.
So let's take one last look at an eventful week's News, one last time before I take vacation...
Having just said goodbye to Lori's mom, this one from
is very topical...
How true this is...
Why are all Italian men named Anthony?
Because when they leave Italy they're stamped TO NY.
and...
You can satisfy any woman with three and a half inches.
It doesn’t matter if it’s Visa or Master Card.
one more...
I’m addicted to masturbating
But, I know I can beat it.
and one last one...
Tesla is having more problems with their self-driving software now …
It seems the cars will only turn right.
Small penis?
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks at her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"
Have you checked this one out of the library yet?...
And Trump continues to say that America will retake the Panama Canal and Greenland, which caused a
Danish legislator to speak frankly to the American President...
It's all jokes for today...
Bucking Sex Rodeo
Two cowboys are discussing sex.
One says he likes the rodeo position. The other one needs an explanation.
OK. You ask a girl to get into doggy position and mount her. You tightly cup her breasts and say, “These feel just like your mother’s tits.” Then you try to hold on for eight seconds.
Appropriate for an Elon Musk product...
It did not take long for Trump to start his Presidential grift once he was in office. He and Melania have released Meme Coins to profit off his Presidency within days of taking office...
So with all the News covered, on to this week's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to my best source for jokes ...
These QUICKIES will make you cringe...
Oh no! Another injury for Big Al!!!...
Quite a first week for a President that many elected so that eggs would be cheaper...and they are not!...
For Thinkers Only...
· Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
· What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
· If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
· Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
· Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
1· Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
2· Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
3· The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
4· Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
5· 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone
has cars and only the rich own horses.
6· Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
7· The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
8· If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
9· Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
10· If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
Those that spent $5000 for tickets to the Inauguration that was to be held outside were not given refunds when the ceremony was moved inside. They were told that they should keep the tickets as
a keepsake, as no refunds would be given...
A newlywed farmer stopped in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.
He was greeted fondly and his friends bought him a few rounds. He downed them and then ordered drinks for himself.
A few drinks in he overheard three of the older farmers talking.
"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one said.
"Pffft that's child's play!" another man sneered. He unbuttoned his shirt and showed off his back covered in red criss-cross cuts.
"Helga was running hot and decided to grind me up against the fence and ruined my best shirt. I couldn't put my shoes on this morning 'cause of my damned back!"
"That's nothing!" one of the other men said as he hiked up his pants leg and showed off a fresh red lump. "Bella thought she'd try something new and ended up almost kicking my beans off! Couldn't walk for hours!"
The young farmer, having just had the most wonderful honeymoon, trotted over and droppers his pants l to show off his family jewels, chafed and red from nonstop love making.
"My Elizabeth and I did everything you could think of for 2 weeks straight! Beat that!”
The men at him stared in silence until one of them finally said, “Who names a horse Elizabeth?"
And finally, one more about relationships...
What's success according to your age
3: not peeing on yourself.
5: remembering what you did yesterday.
12: plenty of friends.
18: driving license.
20: sex.
35: money.
65: sex.
75: driving license.
80: plenty of friends
85: remembering what you did yesterday.
90: not peeing on yourself.
During a prayer service at Washington's National Cathedral Tuesday, the Episcopal bishop of Washington directly confronted President Trump while he and Vice President J.D. Vance were seated in the front row.
"Let me make one final plea, Mr. President," Bishop Mariann Budde said in her 15-minute sermon. "Millions have put their trust in you. And as you told the nation yesterday, you have felt the providential hand of a loving God. In the name of our God, I ask you to have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now," said Budde, as she appeared to look towards the president.
"There are gay, lesbian and transgender children in Democratic, Republican, and independent families, some who fear for their lives."
Trump's response was as you would expect...
Newly married farmer at the tavern...
Taking office, Trump signed pardons for ALL the January 6th rioters, even those who assaulted police and were part of subversive groups. The leaders of The Proud Boys and Oath Keepers then were given tours of The Capitol, that they attempted to destroy, by Republicans in Congress and plans are being made to welcome them to The White House, all by the "Back The Blue" political party...
The Kansas City Chiefs continue on in the Playoffs, and it seems that every call the refs make on the field goes their way...
So that's all for this Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Be back on March 11 with a BLOOPERS UPDATE.
Stay safe until then and remember to send along some jokes.
And the mass deportations are planned to begin immediately...
January 28, 2025
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he notices a $10 bill and a note in the dog’s mouth that reads: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes up shop to follow him.
He watches in awe as the dog waits for a green light, looks both ways, and trots across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, the dog walks to the front, inspects the bus number, and hops on.
Dumbstruck, the butcher boards too, following the dog as the bus travels to the suburbs. After a while, the dog stands on his back legs, pushes the “stop” bell, and gets off. The butcher follows closely.
The dog runs up to a house, drops the bag of lamb chops on the doorstep, and backs up. He takes a big run and whap! slams into the door. No answer.
The dog repeats the process—slamming into the door several times—then jumps on a wall, circles the garden, beats his head against a window, and jumps back down, waiting at the door.
Finally, a big guy opens the door and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher, furious, runs up and yells, “What the hell are you doing? This dog is a genius!”
The owner replies, “Genius, my ass… it’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
This past week marks the Inauguration of Donald Trump, and you knew it would be a weird day when that event occurred when you saw what Melania Trump wore to the ceremony...
Don't try this with the wife...if you know what's good for you...
And second, you knew this was coming...
The week featured right wing Nazi sympathizer, Elon Musk, taking off the wraps and giving the crowd a Nazi salute...
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