Jokes From Shaf
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April 22, 2025
Update 1191
Next Update
May 20, 2025
(off for vacation in Europe)
ELON MUSK UPDATE
In Sports News, the world of college basketball is being decimated by the out of control transfer portal...
Weather still not optimal for golf, but always room for a golf joke on Jokes From Shaf...
And lastly, some "Signs of The Times" to finish up the News...
I took a new job in this village where I heard there were no women. I didn’t believe it at first, but when I got there, I asked one of the locals,
“Yep, no women” he said.
I was shocked and said, “What do you guys do when you need to handle things?”
He points to the river and says, “There’s a donkey at the end of the river if you need it.”
I just laughed it off and tried to ignore the idea.
After a few months, the donkey started to look like a good idea.
One day a few guys were heading toward the donkey, and they asked if I wanted to come.
So, I’m thinking, I guess this is just how things are done here, and ai said “Sure why not!”
We get to the donkey, and I start unbuttoning my pants, and one of thee guys yells, “Hey what the hell are you doing”?
Confused , I go “Aren’t we doing the thing with the Donkey.”
He looks at me like I’m crazy and says,
“Were going to ride the donkey to the next village where there are women!”
What will citizens of the US do in the face of Trump's tariff policies?...
A group of female astronauts, including Katy Perry, went for a 10 minute flight on Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin rocket...
With all the deportations, there is a labor shortage everywhere. Florida now has the bright idea of letting child labor law lapse to help...
And finally, I wonder if DicDoc knew this...
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breasts."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"
The GOP has come up with another great idea to cut down supposed voter fraud, the SAVE ACT. They will require a birth certificate and a passport/DL and THE NAMES MUST MATCH! For many married women, this will be a nightmare, and many will be barred from voting...which is the main idea, isn't it now!...
Churchill: ‟Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?”
Socialite: ‟My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... ”
Churchill: ‟Would you sleep with me for five pounds?”
Socialite: ‟Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!”
Churchill: ‟Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we’re haggling about the price”
A lawyer joke for Platinum Tarks...
So a doctor and a lawyer are having lunch at a local diner. A woman interrupts their conversation to ask the doctor some sort of medical advice.
The doctor tells her what he can then sends her on her way, then turns back to the lawyer. “Man, I get so tired of people bugging me for medical advice,” the doctor says. “I never see people do the same with you for legal advice, how do you keep them away?”
The lawyer says, “Every time someone asks me for any advice, I just send them a bill. Keeps people away like a charm.”
“That’s super smart!” the doctor says. “I’m gonna do that!”
The next day, the doctor makes up his bills for all the people who asked him for medical advice, and he takes them out to his mailbox. He opens it up, and he finds a bill from the lawyer.
"Discrete packaging", my ass...
In Science News, scientists have brought back the extinct Dire Wolf, the cubs seen in the show,
"Game of Thrones"...
Bob & John love playing baseball, Bob is a catcher & John is a pitcher one day they have the following conversation:
Bob says, “I was just wondering if there is baseball in Heaven.”
John replies, “I sure hope they do because it would be hell not being able to play it for all eternity!”
“I know right! Tell you what, if one of us dies before the other, then we need to somehow let the other one know if there is.”
“Sounds like a plan!”
Bob dies a few years later in a car crash & a couple of days after that John has a dream where Bob visits him and tells him,
“I have good news & bad news. The good news is that they DO play baseball in Heaven and, man, they have some of the best games! All the legends play, Ruth, Robinson, Gehrig, everybody in the Hall of Fame plays but your skill level doesn’t matter because who cares if we win or lose, we’re just playing a game that we love!”
John says, “That sounds awesome! But what’s the bad news?”
“You’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
And one last bit of Science News you will only get on Jokes...
And Elon Musk is now saying that he will only save 10% of the supposed trillion dollars that DOGE was slated to deliver...
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”
“Are you nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”
Funny sexy QUICKIES...
So try and hang in there until I get back from my vacation with a May 20 Update.
It will be one you will enjoy, an ELON MUSK UPDATE.
Keep yourself safe and enjoy until I get back.
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
On the subject of paying for sex...
As usual, all the news of the week revolves around Donald Trump. The most mundane news, delivered by his press secretary (with the all Chinese made wardrobe) was his physical exam results...
A tourist rents a room in a small village hotel and asks the owner
"Is there something I could eat?"
"Yes, the hotel restaurant is open till 9:00."
"Can you also arrange sex worker services?"
"Yes, of course, brenda is available for $50."
"How about male sex worker?"
"We can offer that too. Brian is available for $500."
"Why is Brian 10 times the price of Brenda?"
"Well, I am not particularly fond of such practices, so I take $100 for myself. The village preist, obviously, isn't fond of such practices, so he gets $100, and village mayor is a conservative and as such isn't particularly fond of them, so he gets $100."
"Does that mean Brian gets $200?"
"Nah, those $200 goes to John and Steve that will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practises."
Time for a Little Johnny joke...
Important information to know when you travel...
China seems to not want to negotiate, and Trump has tried to mitigate the damage to the tech industry by exempting some of their products...
Trump's war with the "University Elite" is on going, now with his threat to withhold government money and tax deferred status from Harvard...
Trump's tariffs continue to rock the economy. His inconsistent policies are leaving everyone to wonder what the future will hold...
Baseball season is in full swing...
Trump is also at odds with the Federal Reserve Chairman who did not reduce interest rates as Trump wanted him to do...
It seems like everyone understands the tariffs as much as they did in the epic movie, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"...
Here is one from somebody we have not gotten any jokes from in a long while. Read this new scientific discovery brought to us by ...
Now Trump is defying the Court by in the case of repatriating Abrego Garcia. The INS claims he has tattoos and was wearing a Bulls hat that indicates he is an MS-13 member. He had no criminal record and was denied due process. Now Trump claims he has no power to get him back...
And speaking of people who charge too much...
Pennsylvania Governor, Josh Shapiro had his home firebombed by a nut job. Did not hear as much outcry from Trump and the GOP like when a Tesla is defaced...
Last Update until May 20 as The Chairman will go with The Sniper and our wives on the eighth adventure of The Traveling Buddies, as we head off to Spain, mostly Barcelona, and Portugal for almost 3 weeks. Beautiful Bonnie and I are fortunate to have a couple that are fun to travel with. We never argue over things to do and how to pay for them. We split everything and it always works out well. Plus there is always laughs galore, even when things don't work out the way they were supposed to...like having an airport lose all power in Argentina, or getting stuck in an elevator in Ireland. You just have to go with the flow. I hope that health allows more fun, as The Sniper is now a retired guy and has no reason not to travel more.
This week went to the Brewers game on Friday and was treated to listening to The Czar of the Cigar's granddaughter, Emily, sing the National Anthem before the game. And what a job she did! Poised, with a great voice, she really hit a home run singing before the game. And it was great to see the beaming faces of The Czar and wife watching the event. We have seen her in many plays over the years and she keeps improving vocally and with her acting. Kind of reminds me of MBArry when he was in school. Only drawback to the evening was a stinky offensive performance by the Brew Crew resulting in a 3-1 loss.
Was very happy to see The Survivor (aka The Dim Bulb) at poker last week. He did not stay to play, but just stopped in to see all the guys. Considering all he has gone through, he really IS a Survivor. Still has his positive outlook and his sense of humor. Hopefully he will regain his stamina with a bit more time to recuperate.
The Chairman had good news on his scans this month and got another 6 months from the kidney doc before they need to be done again. After another couple of 6 month checks the plan is to go yearly. Now lets hope Beautiful Bonnie gets equally good news when she has her scans when we get back from the trip.
And what else is going on in the News this past week? Take a look, as The Chairman brings you...
A joke from our a Vegas Boy in Denver ...
Now Trump has come up with the idea to put certain US citizens in jail in El Salvador...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes with the lead off spot going to my best source for jokes,
each and every week, ...
It only took a tweet from Trump about relaxing or instituting tariffs to cause great stock market fluctuations, which those in the know could greatly profit by...
Little Johnny wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I looked in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
And Little Johnny replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
I was on a flight with a very cheerful flight attendant, who was clearly gay and made everyone smile as he served us food and drinks.
As we were getting ready to land, he came down the aisle in a fun way and announced, “Captain Marvey asked me to tell you that he’ll be landing the big, scary plane soon. So, lovely people, please put your trays up – that would be super.”
As he walked back down the aisle, he saw a well-dressed woman, who looked a bit Arabic, hadn’t moved her tray. He said, “Maybe you didn’t hear me over the loud engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can get us safely on the ground.”
The woman calmly turned to him and said, “In my country, I’m called a Princess and I don’t take orders from anyone.”
Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch.”
April 22, 2025
A shrewd businessman like Big Al will like this one...
A groaner Dad Joke...
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