Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises "
A young woman goes to confess her sins
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
“What have you done?” asks the priest?
“I have sinned by being vain. Every morning I look in the mirror and think to myself, I am such a beautiful woman. Any man would be lucky to have me.”
“That’s not a sin” says the priest.
“Really?”
“No. It’s a mistake”
A professor at Auburn University was lecturing a large class on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
Ahmed replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Sorry, from back there I thought you said "Goats.
Little Johnny is always welcome on Jokes...
Despite this, in a rare show of backbone, House Speaker, Mike Johnson, was able to push through the aid to Ukraine bill. When it passed, spineless Lindsey Graham spoke....
April 30, 2024
Einstein's Theory of family gatherings...
A man is talking to his friend about Christmas and says "I always finds that family events follow Einstein's Theory of Relativity"
"What do you mean?" asked his friend
The man says "because time always seem to pass more slowly when you're with your relatives!"
Want to role play for some kinky sex with the wife this weekend...
And don't get me started on that slime ball, Matt Gaetz...
One of Einstein's lesser known theories...
A man suffers from severe ED.
After thorough examinations and test he has a talk with his doctor.
D: Well, your case is not entirely hopeless. Let me explain options you have. The first one, is a little bit expensive, but fast and effective. After a surgery and two weeks of recovery you will be like a young bull in the spring meadows. Approximate cost after insurance is $50K. Option two is less expensive and will cost you about $12K, but it will take a month long and painful procedures and about the same time to get fully recovered.
M: Gee, I don’t know. Could I take a timeout and discuss it with my wife?
D: Sure, go home and call my office with your decision.
A day or two after, the man calls back.
D: Have you come to a conclusion? What did your wife said?
M: She said we are remodeling the kitchen.
Trump's trial continued with the testimony of his buddy, the CEO of American Media (National Inquirer),
David Pecker. He spoke about the deal he and Trump had to kill stories that would reflect badly on Trump and print those to smear his opponents, true or not...
Cat on the roof
A man goes on an extended vacation and leaves his cat with his brother for safe-keeping. When he arrives at his destination and settles in, he gives his brother a call and asks: "how's the cat?"
"The cat is dead." Replies the brother.
"How could you be so insensitive!" Says the man. "I just arrived at my resort and you tell me my cat is dead! You could have told me 'everything is fine'. and I would have been unaware. A few days later I would have called and you could have said: 'we've had an incident and the cat is on the roof, but we're sure things will be alright.' and I would have been concerned but not alarmed. A few days after that when I checked in you could have said: 'We got the cat down and he's had a minor injury and he is at the vet but it's nothing to worry about.' And I would have been concerned, but it wouldn't have ruined the rest of my trip. Then right before I'm about to come home and I checked in you could have told me: 'the cat has taken a turn for the worse but the vet is still optimistic.' Then I would have been prepared.' Do you see what I mean?"
The brother replies: "I'm so sorry. I hadn't thought of it like that. I'll try to be more considerate in the future."
The man says: "It's ok. I loved that cat but I think I'll be ok. So how's Mom?"
"She's on the roof."
Trump's plan is to delay...delay...delay, and hope that he can win the election and make all the charges disappear, to never face any consequences of his actions...
And his loyalists in Congress show no signs of wavering in their support, continuing to push his agenda of Russian support versus Ukraine...
Next time you want a doggy bag, you will remember this and laugh...
Jokes From Shaf
Maybe the little blue pills were a better option...
with a good Trump joke...
Now that is fat...
A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a bottle half buried in the sand. Excitedly, he picked it up and pulled out the cork. Out popped a genie!
The genie, grateful for being released, said, "I will grant you three wishes, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double."
The man thought for a moment and then said, "For my first wish, I want a mansion."
Poof! A magnificent mansion appeared before him. But sure enough, his ex-wife received two mansions.
Undeterred, the man thought carefully and then said, "For my second wish, I want a million dollars."
Poof! A briefcase filled with cash materialized in front of him. But, as expected, his ex-wife received two million dollars.
Now feeling a bit mischievous, the man pondered his final wish. After a moment, he grinned and said to the genie, "For my third and final wish, I want you to scare me half to death."
I've heard these recently after he was seen dozing off during jury selection in his trial:
Sleepy Don (not creative)
A couple of creative ones:
Nod father
Ebenezer Snooze
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to my traveling buddy who will be off to Scotland and Ireland with us in two weeks, I am talking about that eagle eye in
Las Vegas, with some funny office signs...
And in Sports News, the injury plagued Bucks are going down in flames, as is the UW basketball team who have had most of their top players leave for more money in the NIL fiasco. Looks like this will be the Badger b-ball team next season...
Trump also is having issues with violating the gag order that the judge imposed on him...
An amazing scientific discovery...
A man is dressing at his gym when his friend walks in from the shower...
...and the friend takes his towel off to get dressed. The friend greets him and goes about the usual small talk. The first man stops him and says, "Sorry I'm going to have to stop you. I'm so sorry, I hope I'm not weirding you out, but holy shit, you have the biggest penis I've ever seen! I couldn't help but notice and I'm so jealous!" The friends looks around to make sure no one is listening in and replies.
"I'll let you in on an old family secret. It's not natural. Going back generations, the men in my family grow our Johnsons to be this way. I'll tell you how if you want but you can't tell anyone."
The man is excited at this prospect and says, "Your secret is safe with me! I swear, if you tell me I'll keep it to myself!"
"Okay" says the friend "here it is. Get yourself a container of lard from the grocery store, along with some burlap and butchers twine. Every morning you lather your member up with the lard. Really get the lard all over it, be very liberal with the amount. Then when it's good and lathered, wrap your purple headed yogurt slinger with the burlap. Secure it by tying it to with the butchers twine like a little present. Then put your clothes on and go about your day. Do this every day for 2 weeks and the lard will seep into your penis. It will soak up all the lard and you'll be packing some serious heat." The man says, "WOW, that's amazing! I'll try that starting tomorrow!"
2 weeks go by and the friends are right back in the locker room at the gym.
"Well, how'd it go"
"Not so good. It didn't work at all! In fact. It has actually gotten smaller!"
"Impossible! It always works! You followed the instructions exactly as I explained?"
"Yes, I followed the instructions exac...well. actually now that you mention it. The store didn't have any lard so I bought some Crisco instead. Other than that I did everything exactly like you said!"
The friend is dumbfounded. "CRISCO?! You used CRISCO?!?!"
The man doesn't see the issue. " Yeah. I used Crisco, what's the big deal?"
"You can't use Crisco, that's SHORTENING!"
RFK Jr. continues to run as a third party candidate for President, although his entire family came out in support of Joe Biden...
And finally, a groaner to finish up...
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
April 30, 2024
Update 1152
Next Update
May 7, 2024
FOOL PENN & TELLER UPDATE
A treatment endorsed by DicDoc...
Trump continues to try and intimidate the jury by violating this gag order. He says the jury is not capable of ruling correctly...
First off, the big news on the medical front was the good results from Beautiful Bonnie and my scans the past week. Both of us got clean bills of health and a 6 month reprieve until we do it again. Also, Bonnie has responded well to her eye treatments, with a marked improvement in vision. Unfortunately, that does not mean the end of injections yet. But we will take progress any day.
Well when you look in the Sick Bay, you find all the stars of my Milwaukee Bucks. I guess with an older team you have to expect injuries, but this is crazy. No Giannis, no Dame, injured Middleton, Bobby ejected...not going to win without that power. Can they come back for game 5? Can the Bucks win 3 in a row? Possible, but I am not betting the farm on that one. Hard to win with talented old legs against young legs, and maybe that will be what the Bucks must do to have a chance, infuse some young blood...play the young guys they have.
And what of the Brewers hot start? We are seeing what happens when you don't have any starting pitching...give up 30 runs in 2 game to the Yankees. Unless there are some arms in the minors that are worth bringing up, it is going to be a long season.
And what of the Packer draft? I think they filled quite a few holes with younger, faster players who can hit on defense and block on offense. Will be interesting to see who makes the roster. Like all teams, it all will depend on how good the QB is.
And only 2 UPDATES left until The Chairman, Beautiful Bonnie, The Sniper and Lucious Lori head off for a trip to Ireland and Scotland. Looking forward to a great time. Last trip we took was before Covid, and none of us are getting any younger. Got to see the world before we are too old to do all the walking involved in this kind of trek. Should be great.
And what else is going on? Let's check out this week's NEWS OF THE WEEK...
A group of children are on a field trip on a construction site.
The foreman's giving a safety instuction:
"Now remember children. Always wear a safety helmet. A couple years ago a boy and a girl had snuck on the site. Two bricks fell from the building. One of them fell on the boy and and as he wasn't wearing a helmet he was dead on the spot, but the girl had a helm so she just laughed and ran off."
Little Johnny picks up his hand and says:
"I know that girl! She is still laughing."
A funny one from my best source for jokes, ...
This trial is something that America has never seen before in it's history...
QUICKIES about sex...
This oldie but goodie is one of my favorites...
So that wraps up this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week, a FOOL PENN AND TELLER UPDATE.
Have a great week until then.
Despite the allegations of his marital infidelity, Trump says his family is staunchly behind him...
And the memes of Trump farting in the courtroom provide endless amusement for The Chairman...
A Catholic joke that you can actually tell a Catholic...
Republicans seem indifferent to the trial, with the vast majority still supporting him, even those who spoke against him in the past...
I’m thinking about teaching prisoners how to read and write.
I was telling my friend how I want to help rehabilitate prisoners by teaching them to read and write. At first it sounded like a good idea but then he started bringing up some interesting points.
I was saying I think it’s a great thing to give back to society and help these people learn how to write so they can apply to jobs and goto college. I could have them read the Count of Monte Cristo and then write their own stories about how they wound up in jail.
But my friend pointed out that some of these guys are murders and I could get hurt or worse. I might have to take a self defense course, and get a degree in teaching English.
There are so many more factors to this than I initially thought and now I’m on the fence. Before I make a final decision I’ll have to think more about the Prose and Cons.
A husband's wish...
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