Jokes From Shaf
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December 31, 2024
Update 1180
Next Update
January 7, 2025
RUSSELL PETERS UPDATE
drinking margaritas and eating great food...
And don't look for Congress to be a moderating influence...
With all the allergies out there, never thought I would see a warning on a bikini from Thailand...
I was basking in the warmth of Cabo...
In Sports News, the NFL regular season is in its last week, as The Pack play their oldest rival...
and was invited to France to be present at the reopening of Notre Dame...
Wait until you see what is in store for illegal aliens under the Trump administration, as Texas Republican, Valentina Gomez suggested...
And one last one for our buddy, The Sultan of Silicone...
Musk also has his knife out to slice Social Security...
including some items that I had never seen before in a grocery store...
This is an excerpt from an article in the Atlantic. The article is about how after the news, social media has lit up with complaints about the health insurance industry. The most common reaction was the laughing crying emoji!:
“It’s actually kind of touching that the one thing that can bring together our fractious and disunited country is celebrating the assassination of a health insurance CEO,” posted David Austin Walsh, a University of Virginia historian. “Anyway try to live your life in such a way that if you’re murdered the entire Internet doesn’t think that you had it coming.”
Good to see still sending us Jokes despite having surgery...
Another one you might have heard before...
A joke for us guys in our 70's...
Gotta give this one a try...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to a guy who is always up for getting a lei, my traveling buddy, with some tips for Jewish Buddists ...
Before he even took office, Trump has launched his attack at the media, telling ABC that if they did not pay Trump $15,000.000 to settle the defamation suit after he was said to have been found "liable for rape", he would pull their FCC license...
There was some news while those of you left behind celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah...
Americans better be prepared for benefits to be cut...
The Potion.
A guy goes to his doctor because he's experiencing the worst case of erectile dysfunction. The doctor examines him and sadly says, "Sorry I had news, but I can't do anything for you, but I know this witch doctor who might be able to help. Go see him."
So he goes to the witch doctor who looks him over and then says, "I have exactly what you need. When the time is right, drink this potion and say One, Two Three and you'll have the biggest, manliest erection of your life. When you're done using it, simply say One Two Three Four and it'll be gone. You won't be able to use this again for one full year, so make good use of it."
So the guy thanks the witch doctor and quickly heads home. He tells his wife to get into bed because he's got a special surprise for her. He hops into the attached bathroom, strips naked, drinks the potion and says "One Two Three" and sure enough, he gets a massive erection and the steps into the bedroom to show his wife. She's delighted and smiling and says, "Oh this is great, but why did you say one two three for?"
MarkRhitis celebrated the birth of a new grandchild in Chicago and all are doing well. DicDoc announced the engagement of daughter, Kiera this month. Big Al came through his neck surgery and is on the way to a full recovery. Billy Bong had some Mohs surgery on his face and is well on the way to not looking like the brother of Frankenstein. And The Czar of The Cigar continues to drop the pounds and is a new man after his hip surgery. Nice to only have good news to report.
And what about the NATIONAL NEWS over the last few weeks? Let's take a look back...
Italian Men Talk
Two Italian men are having a loud conversation on a plane. One of them, with many gesticulations, tells his friend, “Emma come first, I come next, then two assa come together, I come again, two assa come together again, I come once again, pee pee twice, then I come one last time.”
A well-dressed lady seated next to them becomes furious and exclaims, “How dare you talk such filth where anyone can hear you! I'm calling the flight attendant to get you kicked off this flight.”
The first Italian man stares at her in astonishment, “For teaching him how to spella da Mississippi?”
How dumb are game show contestants?...
An oldie but goodie...
You know what's coming here...
One from our pal in Denver who will be getting his other knee done soon, tells us about the recent shooting
of the heath insurance CEO ...
A college student knocks on a rancher’s door
When the rancher answered the student said: I’m an Ag Science major. I was driving by and noticed your pasture is full of milkweed. May I go out and get some milk?
The rancher replied: Son, go back to school. You can’t get milk from milkweed.
Student: I know I can get milk if you let me.
So he let him go and the student came back with 2 buckets of milk. The rancher was shocked!
A few weeks later the student came back and said: I was driving by another pasture and saw you have a bunch of honeysuckle in that one. May I go out and get some honey?
The rancher declined at first then let him, and he came back with 2 buckets of honey. He was amazed again!
A few weeks later the student showed up again and said: I was out this way and saw a field full of pussy willow.
The rancher replied: Hold on, let me get my boots!!
Trump is already backpedaling on his campaign promises, saying he may not be able to reduce the cost of groceries for Americans...
Some sexy, funny QUICKIES for this week's Update...
A wizard knocked on a young lady's door late at night.
"Sorry to bother you," he said, "but could I use your bathroom literally right now?!"
"Of course," she said, and he burst through the door and slammed it shut. A minute or so later he opened the door again with a look of relief and gratitude on his face.
"Thank you," he said, "that was most kind. In payment, I shall enchant anything you have in your bathroom with any power you ask -- choose wisely."
She thought for a moment and then said, "Could you give my bath sponge the power to make my boobs bigger? I haven't put on half an inch there since I was twelve!"
"Very easily," said the wizard. "I will cast the spell now. It will work very slowly so as not to injure you, but in six to eight weeks time you should notice the difference. Just remember to say 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!' every day to renew the spell." And a minute later he was gone.
Day by day the young woman soaped herself with the magic sponge, and a faint tingle assured her that the spell was working. After two months she treated herself to a trip to a lingerie shop to buy her first ever brassiere, and as she got onto the bus with her purchase she whispered "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!".
A young man on the bus looked up from his phone and said "Excuse me, this may sound weird, but have you ever let a wizard use your bathroom in a hurry?"
"Yes," she said, "but why do you ask?"
"...Hickory dickory dock," he answered.
Important medical news...
And on the same subject...
Donald Trump was named Time magazine's man of the year...
While many of you were struggling in the cold weather of Wisconsin...
Elon Musk has started his government waste investigation, and the first thing that he touted was not limiting H1B visas for skilled foreign workers, implying that the US workforce is not ready to fill those jobs...
And speaking of companies that we hate, the homophobic Chick-fil-A might want to use this marketing
campaign...
A visit to The Sultan of Silicone...
A woman went to her plastic surgeon wanting a face lift. The doctor showed her how she would look and explained it would be ten thousand dollars.
" Oh, I don't think I can afford that much!” she said.
The doctor told herthere was a less expensive option. " We install a handle you twist on the top of your head. As you see a wrinkle, you just twist and it pulls the skin back.”
She said, " I'll take it!"
Six months after the installation the woman showed back up at the doctor FRANTIC about the bags under her eyes. “ I twist and twist and twist and they just won't go away!"
The doctor took one look at her and said, “Ma'am, those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't quit twisting, you'll have a goatee in 3 weeks.”
The 75 year old and his wife
An 75 year old man married a woman in her twenties, and he asked his doctor how he could keep her sexually satisfied. The doctor suggested that he take on a youthful boarder to stay with them. After he had done this, he went to the doctor and announced that his wife was now pregnant.
“Oh, I see you took my advice about the boarder,” the doctor chuckled.
“Yes, and now she’s pregnant too!”
Trump also made statements claiming the US would buy Greenland, retake the Panama Canal and make Canada the 51st state...
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed;
I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Let me take care of it," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Leave it to a woman to wreck the mood...
* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
* Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
* Wherever you go, there you are.. Your luggage is another story.
* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then, what do you have? Bupkis.
* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out... Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
* Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
* The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself…The Buddha says, There is no self.
So ... maybe we're off the hook . . .
A man comes to the doctor...
"I have this excruciating pain that starts in my lower back, extends throughout my spine and gives me a killer headache."
After examining the guy extensively, the doctor proclaims "We can cure you of your pains, but in order to do so, we would have to castrate you."
Shocked, the guy declines the procedure and decides to get a second opinion.
"Doctor, I have this excruciating pain that starts in my lower back, extends throughout my spine and gives me a killer headache!"
After multiple tests and careful examination, this doctor comes to the same conclusion. "A castration would be the only way to cure you."
The guy declines the procedure and decides to learn to live with the pain. Several weeks go by before he decides that he can not take it any longer. Desperate, he seeks out the best clinic and again he seeks help.
"I have this excruciating pain that starts in my lower back, extends throughout my spine and gives me a killer headache. I can't take it any longer!"
Again, he receives the same diagnosis. Defeated, he agrees to the castration.
After the procedure, now pain free but severely depressed, the guy decides to buy a tailor made suit to regain some self esteem.
After taking all his measurements the tailor asks him. "Are you left carrying or right carrying?" Embarrased, the guy tells him that it won't matter.
The tailor exclaims. "Oh, but it does! If we get this wrong, you'll get this excruciating pain that starts in your lower back..."
The House Ethics Report on Matt Gaetz was released and it showed drug use , sexual misconduct and obstruction...
December 31, 2024
So that's all for this Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next week with a RUSSELL PETERS UPDATE.
Have a Happy New Year and let's all hope for a good 2025.
And if you think healthcare will improve under Trump and RFK Jr., guess again...
Musk further antagonized many with his endorsement of the far right AfD German extremist party which has used Nazi slogans, saying only they can save Germany...
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